summer's end, a list

A flowering gum I spotted on one of my runs over the summer.

The end of summer. The year makes a turn and drives down the road of another season.

A spectacular sunset at the end of January.

I just had a look on my camera roll at photos taken over the summer and, to my delight, it’s mostly Tom and I with our nieces and nephews. Time with them always fills my cup, and I’m so grateful that abundant time with our family is possible - it’s the main reason we moved home. Whenever people ask me if I have children, I reply with “no, but I’m the proud aunt of some wonderful little people” and proceed to bore them with details about our youngest niece’s first day at kindergarten, or the way our 18 month old nephew waits at the window for us when he knows we’re coming to visit, or a sleepover we had with our teenage niece where we played Mario Kart, ate burgers and chips, watched Pride and Prejudice and talked about everything from our favourite Mecca products to why I wrote The Latte Years (she asked!).

A lot has happened since I last wrote to you. We’ve had some complicated and painful things to deal with - some of which have been going on for years. We had a lot of plans that didn’t quite come to fruition. We’ve had to roll with some quite hard punches. All things considered, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that we got to the end of 2023 quite burnt out and a bit heartbroken. But, as with most things, if I zoom out far enough to get a bird’s eye view, our life is pretty wonderful. We’re doing OK. And, as my new therapist reminds me at the end of every session, we will be OK, whatever happens.

A sunflower I grew from seeds left by a colleague in the tearoom at work. They grew well this summer.

Yes, I started seeing a therapist again a few months ago, which has entailed going back through my history, a task I didn’t particularly want to do but could only avoid for so long. In my work, I constantly grapple with backstories, hidden histories, things people didn’t want or weren’t allowed to say, so the irony of resisting this myself wasn’t lost on me. Therapy has been good for my writing too, I think. We have covered a lot of ground so far, and I feel lighter than I have for some time.

Anyway, please indulge me for the following randomness as a favourite season ends and another favourite (perhaps my most favourite) begins. And thank you to my pal Leonie Wise for the inspiration for the structure of this blog post - her blog is a treasure trove of seasonal lists and inventories. She could make a shopping list sound poetic!

1. Things I picked from the garden and allotment today // Runner beans. Cherry tomatoes. Silverbeet. Spring greens (a broccoli/cabbage hybrid). Rhubarb. Zucchini, some verging on marrowhood. Rainbow chard. Mint. Lemons. The first fig from my tree.

2. Things currently on my desk // which desk? I have three! Four if you count the dining table, where I also like to work because of the wonderful light the room gets throughout the day. That’s where I’m writing right now. Pint glass of water, two water bottles. Two cookbooks, a lover’s gift from Tom. A package that arrived earlier for him. Two notebooks, one personal, one for PhD. A pink Lamy Safari fountain pen. My running cap and a little change purse that has my driver's licence, bandaids, a hair tie and lipgloss in, which I took when I went running this morning (fun fact: the change purse was my Secret Santa gift at our bloggers Christmas party in Melbourne in 2006 - I still have no idea who gave it to me). AirPods, laptop and phone. That’s pretty minimalist for me, normally there’s at least seven books.

3. Favourite song on my run today // Free Yourself by Jessie Ware. Favourite song of the summer // This Land is Your Land by Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. And This is Home (Bright-Side Mix) by Peter Gabriel. Yes, Tom will be amazed - I like something by Peter Gabriel!

4. Visits to the beach // the idea of popping to the beach after work on a stinking hot day was a memory I cherished during my years in London. We make it happen as often as we can in the summer, and drive to our favourite one that only locals seem to know. The icy shock of the water as we first step in always surprises me. Then, once you dive in and get used to the cold, there’s nothing more refreshing. I could stay in for hours. Salt water also does something to my hair, maybe what it does to most people’s - as it dries it gets curly and wavy and looks like I’ve spent hours and a lot of money making it look that way. So I will gladly admit I also go to the beach to get beach hair.

5. Movie of the summer // The Holdovers (but a winter film, set at Christmas!). I also really enjoyed the Super Mario Bros movie and Emily the Criminal. Most overrated movie of the summer? Saltburn. I didn’t get the hype! My 20-something friends all loved it so I guess I’m just not the intended audience. Which is absolutely fine with me.

6. Drink of the summer // Lychee apple soda at Luna Chan. And any wine made by Bream Creek.

7. Eats of the summer // so many delicious things! Mostly salads, rice bowls, silken tofu breakfast bowls, summery pastas. I also learned how to make my own vegan melting cheese, thanks to Rose Elliot’s excellent recipe, see below.

8. Drinking less coffee and feeling surprisingly good on it. I also really like China Jasmine green tea, it turns out.

9. Working out more. Two strength workouts a week, two runs, one yoga class, and walks as often as possible. I feel really good, and even better about being more structured. I’ve realised recently that I have been putting my health (physical and mental) last for some time. I’m in my early forties now and that isn’t really something I can afford to be blasé about. Life has been very stressful so I’m not beating myself up too much about it, but this year I am determined to prioritise my health, not just for my longevity, energy and future mobility, but I also want to make it to the finish line of my PhD in one piece! I’ll happily talk more on this topic if people are interested. And I’m sure it goes without saying that I’m aware of my many privileges in this space :)

Recipes I’ve loved this summer

1. Moroccan sweet potato, chickpea and couscous with chermoula - a Hetty McKinnon recipe from her first book Community. I made it for a salad party. More on that in another post (it’s a great story!). But chermoula - where has this been all my life?! It’s so delicious, spicy and addictive and I’ve made it a lot over the summer.

2. Matt Pritchard’s Dirty Vegan granola

3. Deliciously Ella’s coronation chickpea sandwich

4. Ottolenghi’s pearl barley and pomegranate salad

5. Rose Elliot’s vegan melty cheese from her book Complete Vegan.

6. Bosh’s potato burger buns (so fluffy!) from their book Bosh on a Budget

7. Plenty more I’ve forgotten, and made up myself! I have lots of recipe posts in the backlog.

A short and sharp look at how easy it is to make vegan melty cheese at home! It really is very good. I may never buy vegan cheese again.

Cosmos at the allotment.

Things to remember

A lot of people wrote to me after this post - I’ll make it a regular thing! Here’s some little life reminders from my journals and notes on the iPhone over the last little while:

• You are loved and worthy, even when you think you have failed.

• Let go of the people who have let go of you.

• You can be right and still be in a situation where it’s not worth fighting.

• Everything is temporary, without exception.

• Aim for work-life harmony rather than balance, because work-life balance doesn’t exist. Work is a part of life.

• Perfect doesn’t exist. Your best is good enough.

• Suffering produces endurance. Endurance produces character. Character produces hope.

• You are more in control of your happiness than you think and probably allow yourself to be.

• Harness the power of defiance.

• “Patience is everything!” - Rilke

I’ve stayed away from my blog for months, not just because I’ve been seriously overwhelmed, stressed and had no time in my diary or room in my head for another box to tick, but I’ve also been feeling conflicted about posting content that feels frivolous and out of touch with all the horrific things going on in the world. But then I read this quote from Nick Cave:

“These are perilous and urgent times. This is not the hour to sit around moaning about the condition of the world — leave that to the posturing inhabitants of that most morbidly neurotic of spaces, social media — and nor is it the moment to fruitlessly wait for inspiration to find us. It’s time to get to work, to reach up and tear the divine idea from its heavenly cradle and proffer it to the world.”

— Nick Cave

Thank you to the people who have written to me over the past six months to make sure I’m OK - I am, and it means a lot that you care. I plan to make up for lost time and blog every day in March, so let’s see how long that lasts! xx

things to remember

Coffee. A daily essential, much like writing.

In my recent article about journalling, I mentioned that I often dedicate several pages - usually the first or last two or three - of my journal to “things to remember”.

By that I mean, I write down phrases, affirmations or reminders that ground me, things I find useful to hear often depending on what is currently going on. If I read something in an article or book, or hear something someone says in a podcast, that particularly speaks to me, that might be helpful for me to bear in mind at the present time, I will write it there. I also sometimes write down insights that occur to me in daily meditation.

I highly recommend this practice of writing down things you find comforting and grounding that you can look at and remind yourself of, especially if you’re a bit like me and find your anxiety running away with you at times. It can be really handy to look at it in your over-thinking moments.

As I’m just coming to the final few pages of my current notebook, I thought I might share some of the things I felt moved to remind myself of or ground myself in the truth of this last little while, in the hope it might be useful for you too. Perhaps I’ll make sharing these a regular thing.

Things to remember

• Karma never loses an address.

• When victory comes at too heavy a price, there’s honour in choosing defeat.

• The seeds we nourish and cultivate within us are the seeds that grow.

• Every storm eventually runs out of rain.

• No matter what you do, someone is bound to end up disappointed…so do what you want.

• There is no ahead or behind, everyone is walking a different path to the same place.

• You can have what you need, even when others need you.

• Confidence is quiet, insecurity is loud.

• How other people treat you is a measure of who they are, not a measure of your worthiness.

• Live with reverence for what truly matters.

• Be radically responsible for yourself.

Daphne (my favourite winter flower) on my desk at work as the sun started setting.

• No one has any power over you, only the power you’ve given them.

• Other people’s opinions are always one of two things: completely irrelevant or feedback you can choose to take or leave.

• Resilience is an asset.

• Live, and write, with audacity.

• The work is your domain, you are not in control of the rest.

• Finish what you start.

• Ripe fruit falls quickly.

• Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

• Being hard on yourself is never the route to more joy.

• You are going to be OK, regardless of the decisions and behaviour of others. You have survived everything so far.

• You are at your most powerful when you trust yourself.

• You are more than your thoughts. You are more than your body. You are more than the place where you live, your job, your bank account, your current health, your trauma, your highlight reel and accomplishments, your lowest moment and your worst day. You are enough. You always have been.

And finally….

“You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetic justice to your soul and simply experience yourself.” - Albert Camus

june (in july)

Sorry for the long pause between posts, my friends. It’s been A Time and the month I have to catch you up on feels very far away now!

If I had to sum up June 2023 neatly it would be - joyous, vibrant, fun, varied and but also pretty relentless. We were very busy (and still are!) with limited time to decompress in between work, travel and various other things, but managed lots of fun as well.

The highlight of June was, without a doubt, our second slightly spontaneous trip to Melbourne, the main purpose of which was to attend an incredibly intimate, joyful and colourful wedding. I’m sure most of you will recognise the bride - if not, she is my Melbourne sister and old blogging friend, Ashley! She was radiant in a cloud of peach tulle and a floral headdress, both of which she made herself. The dress code for the wedding was “maximum dopamine: wear whatever makes you happy” and Tom and I needed no encouragement to bring out something bright and eye-catching!

A friend took this photo with a Snapchat filter….my makeup wasn’t that flawless in real life. Nor was Tom’s, haha.

It was lots of fun taking the train to the wedding, all colourful and dressed up! The dress code for the hen’s night (which was on the day we flew in!) was also colourful, so yet another opportunity for me to wear my favourite Keshet jumpsuit.

The wedding was on a perfect, glorious early winter’s day - the sun shone, the piles of leaves twinkled in the golden light, and a full moon rose over the city like a blessing. I’m so glad we could be there to celebrate Ash and Michael!

Reconnecting with Ash has been a wonderful part of moving home. She has always inspired me, for different reasons at different times in our lives. These days, she inspires me to live boldly, to be generous, to let people be who they are, to be brave and take up space, to indulge my creativity and express myself without fear, to be audacious and live with joy. I love that, after all these years, both our stories are still being written.

The rest of the visit was just about enjoying Melbourne, and seeing some wonderful friends we hadn’t managed to see the week before. We felt like absolute jet setters compared to just two years ago when Tasmania’s borders were closed to all and sundry. We even went to our first live gig since the pandemic (not counting MONA FOMA, which was all outdoors) - the Nadav Rahman Trio at Jazz Lab in Brunswick, which was simply outstanding. The trio blended jazz with other styles quite effortlessly - soul singer Jag joined them for a few songs, likewise hip-hop artists Thamson P and Tumi the Be who were mesmerising. Their other special guests included Ethopian jazz legend Nhatty Man and kora player Amadou Suso. I honestly felt like I was in Addis Ababa at one point, I felt utterly transported by their incredible music. What a treat!

With our dear friends - and I just noticed what’s on Tom’s bag. Hilarious! 😂

Mostly, we just loved being with our friends who feel like family, eating good food, shopping till we dropped, going back to favourite restaurants and bars where they recognised us from the last visit (!), and just soaking up the great vibes of a city we both adore. Thanks to our two recent trips, Tom and I both feel like we’ve got to know Melbourne properly again. It felt like our city again - we embraced its energy and found our place in it. We felt at home there in a way neither of us has felt for a while.

Having said that, we were also deeply relieved to get home to Hobart! We are still recovering from the hectic, high stress, constant cortisol life we had in London (family, friends and delivery people alike are highly amused by how we keep everything LOCKED at all times!) and so we do find the busier, more crowded aspects of a giant city a little jarring at times, much as we love a change of scene and energy. After four days of Melbourne’s crowds and general busy-ness, the smell of the pure, clean air that blew into our faces as we walked off the tarmac at the airport, freezing as it was, was a tonic. There is no place like Tassie. It suits us down to the ground for where we’re at right now. And now that life has pretty much returned to how it was before, we can finally, perhaps, get to know and enjoy Hobart in the same way we enjoy Melbourne. We had barely begun to explore and find our feet in it when the pandemic swept in just over a year after we arrived. Adventures don’t have to be saved for a trip interstate, we’ve realised.

OTHER LOVELY EXPERIENCES IN JUNE

We were too busy with work to get out to any of Dark Mofo this year, but enjoyed seeing Hobart glow with red lights, as has become the custom.

As mentioned, there wasn’t a lot of down time once we returned from Melbourne (hello simultaneous client and PhD deadlines!) but I managed to get to a Women’s Circle gathering one Saturday afternoon, which was amazing and much needed. The leaders, two young women from Sydney now living in Tassie, showed up for us so generously and wholeheartedly, taking us through qi gong, yin yoga, 1:1 eye gazing, yoga nidra and some other deep connection practices. Three hours of filling the well, catching my breath, of being still. It was glorious.

And just when I thought nothing could top the experience, at the end one of the young women leading the circle came up to me and said “you wrote The Latte Years, didn’t you?” which was completely unexpected and made my day. I think both of us were in a bit of disbelief! I was completely floored that, seven years on, someone would still be thinking about my book and the impact it had on them, let alone recognise me. It still kind of blows my mind that anyone other than my friends and family bought and read it! She said some really kind and beautiful things to me, which I folded away into my heart to bring out again when courage runs low. I have wondered many times over the years if publishing that book was the right thing to do. But in moments like that one, I know that it was. It’s a book that needed to exist and I’m glad it does.

Reading

I didn’t do a lot of reading in June - almost everything was exclusively PhD related, unsurprisingly! But I did read a handful of amazing books when I wasn’t chained to the computer.

I don’t think I’ve ever read a book about mental illness that’s as compelling as Anna Spargo-Ryan’s A Kind of Magic. It managed to be hilarious one moment and utterly heartbreaking the next - full of pain and confusion yet somehow uplifting. There is a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation out there about mental illness - so much so that those suffering from it have to become experts so they can advocate for themselves and have any hope of appropriate treatment. This book is the author’s attempt to show what it’s really like to live with the ‘constant chaos’ of it. It’s a real page turner, beautifully written and strikes just the right note between raw and hopeful.

Madeleine Dore’s excellent I Didn’t Do The Thing Today was another of my June reads, recommended by Kate Mildenhall when I did an online class with her in May. I really liked how the book focused on encouraging the reader to think less about how to get things done and more about what things are worth doing (to you), using lots of wisdom from the great thinkers of history and quite a few contemporary intellectuals too. Worth seeking out if you’re feeling like you’ve bitten off more than you can chew and are a bit overwhelmed by All The Things.

Tom also got me Maira Kalman’s The Principles of Uncertainty for my birthday (among a veritable pile of other books!) which I read in June and it was as delightful as everyone says.

Vulture: ‘Poor, Odd Nate’, Nick Mohammed ends three seasons of Ted Lasso with a friendly debate about his character - we rewatched the entire series of Ted Lasso in June and I really loved hearing Nick Mohammed’s take on things. I found Nate much more sympathetic on a rewatch than I did watching it live!

Women’s Agenda: Succession’s tragic take on women and leadership - I enjoyed this and agree, gender doesn’t explain everything about Succession’s ending but it does explain some of it!

Too Fat To Run: founder Julie Creffield has sadly closed down this wonderful movement but in this very articulate and highly relatable post, she explains why. It reminded me a lot of my reasons for stopping Skinny Latte Strikes Back.

State Library of New South Wales: Novelist Michelle Cahill brings a marginalised character back to the centre - a fascinating-sounding novel and novelist! I was particularly intrigued by Cahill and her interviewer Neha Kale’s discussion of Virginia Woolf and how the exclusion of non-white women from A Room of One’s Own (a “sacred cow” of white feminism) points to “a persisting violence in Woolf’s legacy”. I’ve just ordered Hood Feminism as I really want to learn more about this.

The Guardian: I smell a whiff of 2000s fat-shaming in the air. If you’ve never spoken out against it, now is the time by Rebecca Shaw - a very timely and important read.

Listening to

A client of ours is a local musician and I spent a lot of June helping him with a project, and had his debut album (yet to be released!) on for inspiration on repeat in the background. I can’t wait to help spread the word about it once it’s out - it’s a real beauty.

Another Winchmore client (and friend!), Mezz Coleman released her third single from her upcoming album in June, and it’s stunning.

I am addicted to the Bad Sisters original soundtrack by PJ Harvey and Tim Phillips - it’s perfect for writing dramatic, juicy, slightly macabre scenes.

The Mel Robbins Podcast: The ‘Let Them’ Theory, Happiness is an Option for You: 4 Easy Habits That Make Your Life Better Based on Research and 4 Simple Ways To Stop Giving A Sh*t What People Think

The Garret: Pip Williams on writing commercial historical fiction

How to Fail: Diana Evans on writing routines, dealing with her inner critic and living life to the fullest

Best Friend Therapy: Co-dependency and Perfectionism

The Great Creators with Guy Raz: Jason Sudeikis: His Winding Path from the Basketball Court to SNL, and how Ted Lasso saved him

Eating

Pumpkin curry with tofu - I was amazed to learn that if you boil tofu cubes for a few minutes, it gives it a texture similar to paneer, YUM!

A stir fry based on our favourite “Mostly Greens” from Veggie Bar in Melbourne, made with Tasmanian-made tempeh which is absolutely delicious.

I made Jamie Oliver’s chickpea and leek soup, to which I added my usual flamboyant twist - in this case, pink peppercorns.

Deliciously Ella’s harissa tofu wraps - I treated myself to her Feel Better app for my birthday and there’s some great recipes on there. This is one of our favourites so far.

Anna Jones’ broccoli on toast - seriously delicious! It makes a lovely light dinner too if you fancy something a bit more posh on toast than cheese or a can of baked beans.

I bought a bunch of beetroot at the Farm Gate Market so was looking for unusual ways to use them - I made a beetroot hummus (from the Feel Better app) and a surprisingly good beetroot pasta (I used cashew cheese instead of feta).

As I mentioned in my last post, I picked up one of my favourite Youtuber’s cookbooks while we were in Melbourne and the first recipe I made from it was the lemongrass coconut tofu which was sublime!

Drinking

My brother-in-law gave me this chilli gin to try - I loved the spicy warmth of it but at 58% proof, I could only manage half my glass of a double shot with tonic before I felt completely sozzled. That’s what cutting back on your drinking does to you! But highly recommended regardless, especially for a Tasmanian winter. It was delicious.

Watching

Bad Sisters (Apple TV+) - Tom and I got into this in a big way and chewed through the entire series very quickly. I’m a sucker for anything with lots of sisters in it (obviously), and this one was fabulous, despite it containing extremely dark subject matter (which, even though I enjoyed it very much, still kept me awake at night). The first episode opens with the funeral of John Paul (aka The Prick, as the Garvey sisters refer to him), husband of Grace. We’re not given much information at this point, only some hints that his death might have been suspicious. As we’re introduced to Grace’s four sisters - Eva, Ursula, Bibi and Becka - it becomes apparent that no one is that devastated about John Paul’s passing. It turns out that John Paul thoroughly deserved his nickname - he was a controlling and cruel narcissist who was emotionally and physically abusive to pretty much every woman in his life, especially his wife, daughter and sisters in law.

As the story unfolds cleverly in two timelines - six months earlier and the present - we see each of the Garvey sisters reaching breaking point with John Paul’s cruelty and manipulation, not just of their sister Grace but what he dishes out to each of them personally. I think the only way I was able to stomach and enjoy the series was knowing that karma eventually got him! Each of the sister’s attempts to help Grace and talk to her about her husband achieves nothing, and the four sisters decide, separately and eventually together, that the only way out is murder. And we know, thanks to the opening scenes, that one of their many, often misfired, attempts to kill him succeeds. The question is….whose?

Unfortunately for the sisters, a few other people suspect the death was not an accident. Desperate to not have to pay out a life insurance policy that will bankrupt his firm, somewhat hapless agent Tom Claffin and his attractive and less hapless brother Matt start digging into what happened. Their antics bring some much needed comedy and lightness to the story!

It’s brilliantly written, acted and shot, with a killer (sorry) soundtrack that I can’t stop listening to. I will definitely watch it again at some point…but maybe not at night!

Ted Lasso (Apple TV+) - we had watched the entire series as it was released over the past few years, but we decided, as we enjoyed the finale so much, to binge watch the entire thing again in June and boy was that a great decision! I think it’s one of the greatest TV shows ever made. The perfect thing to watch and unwind with when you’re busy and stressed. It’s so rare to see a show like this that turns traditional masculinity on its head, that’s about the importance of emotional intelligence, forgiveness, vulnerability and curiosity (as opposed to judgement). I think it will be one of those shows I will watch and rewatch forever.

Wearing

I went a bit crazy in ELK’s Melbourne CBD store and make no apologies for it. Their clothes are colourful, gorgeous to wear and ethically made - what more could you want? I have barely stopped wearing this dress and this jumper since our trip. I also got a top from Variety Hour, where all the clothes are handmade in Melbourne. Love!

I also got these high-top sneakers after lusting after and attempting to recreate some of Rebecca’s outfits on Ted Lasso - obviously I could never afford the Armani ones she wore, but these were a great alternative! I love the extra height they give me (I’m already quite tall) and they work with dresses and jeans alike.

Quote of the MONTH

“Stop measuring days by degree of productivity and start experiencing them by degree of presence.” - Alan Watts.

But also….

“Revenge is a dish best served in a novel.” - Helen Ellis

If you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything else, with me, please do! Lots to tell you about JULY too, which I can’t believe is nearly over, and which I will try and do sooner rather than later. Trying to remember an entire month of stuff, nearly two months later, has been a bit of a test for my usually excellent memory. I’m sure there’s loads of stuff I’ve forgotten!

I hope you are well, safe and happy, wherever you are xx

Please note: this blog post has affiliate links with retailers such as Booktopia which means I may receive a commission for a sale that I refer, at no extra cost to you.

may

An autumnal bounty from the New Norfolk markets in early May. The last blackberries of the season!

Friends, how is it June? How?!

I figured if I don’t write you an update soon, it will be Christmas before you hear from me again - so here I am. The only excuse I can offer for my lengthy silence is busy-ness and so much time being spent writing and thinking and reading that in my leisure time I yearn to look at something other than a computer screen.

You may have guessed, the heat has been turned up on my PhD - I am now almost 75% of the way there with it. If we apply the metaphor of running a marathon to the PhD (it’s one of my favourite metaphors, as I’m sure you’ve noticed over the years), I am at the equivalent of almost at Mile 20. To be honest, this is the part of running the London Marathon that I don’t remember. Miles 19 to about 23 were a real blur! It’s an apt comparison. I don’t know where the last few months have gone.

But, as I said to a friend last week, I have waited my entire life to do this so I am determined to savour and enjoy it as much as I can, rather than give in to the overwhelm. The marathon at the 75% stage was just a matter of staying mentally strong and getting through it until I was really on the final stretch, but I don’t want to do that with the PhD. It’s the most momentous thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes I find myself, sitting in my cosy office on campus, looking at all my books on the shelves, the post-its on the wall, the resident possum in the gum trees outside (who comes out during the day A LOT) and am in awe that it’s finally happening, I am doing it. I allow myself to feel joy, amazement and gratitude, even a little pride, in those moments.

Life has always been a constant balancing act for me, and perhaps it always will be. I think a lot of it comes down to self forgiveness - I’m not perfect nor am I a machine that can keep going and going without enough rest and replenishment. I wish (and thought) I was but adding productivity guilt into the mix is not serving me. Self care really has to be a priority if I want to enjoy the process, not to mention keep my creative work and practice sustainable. I’ve been trying to bear that in mind these past few weeks.

So, yes, April and May have been MAMMOTH months for me and Tom but we have happily managed to find lots of fun and exciting things to enjoy along the way. “What a year this is turning out to be,” Tom said to me at the start of May. My sentiments exactly!

Let me fill you in on May then, friends. The month of Philmas!

Favourite experience/s of the month

May was full of wonderful experiences but the best one, hands down, was returning to the great city of Melbourne for a birthday trip which consisted mostly of shopping, eating and seeing friends. We also made another trip a week later, for a wonderful wedding, but more on that in the June wrap-up!

Other highlights of May included:

• Giving a paper for the Professional Historians Association (Vic/Tas chapter) at Hobart’s State Library, which went better than I could have hoped (apparently there’s a video of it on YouTube which even our postman has seen!)

• Making my baby nephew laugh for the first time (he’s so adorable!)

• A day trip with a dear friend to New Norfolk where we bought locally-grown blackberries, garlic, apples and secondhand books

• Publishing an article in the Guardian, and the wonderful response to it - in fact, it went live while we were asleep so both Tom and I woke up to texts from friends in the UK who had seen it before we had! The whole response to it was really amazing. I honestly thought that it would be like most things I write, that it would go live and within an hour or two it would be yesterday’s news! It was so touching (and thrilling) to be read and understood so generously by people all over the world. It reminded me that I do have relevant things to say and it’s always worth the agonising discomfort of putting myself out there.

• Turning 42 in one of my favourite cities and then coming home and celebrating with my family. When we went round to see one of my sisters, her daughter (nearly 4) proudly announced they had made me a cake, which melted my heart (and it was so delicious). More birthday thoughts further on.

• My dad’s 70th, which was a fitting celebration for a wonderful man I am proud every day to call my father (I said as much in my brief speech - Mum’s speech was by far the best though, there was barely a dry eye in the house!).
  
  

Reading

I feel like I’m always reading at the moment! I’m trying to remember what I read for leisure in May….

Far out, I loved this book - Edwina Preston’s Bad Art Mother, shortlisted for this year’s Stella Prize (my friend Tash got me the winner’s book as a birthday present which I’ve been saving for a post-deadline treat in July). As I read, I thought this reminds me so much of Gwen Harwood, if she had been more like Sylvia Plath (having read and reviewed the excellent Ann Marie Priest biography last year) and it turned out, Preston had read Harwood’s letters as inspiration. Fascinating! I am finding myself more and more drawn to fiction set in 1960s and 1970s Australia, particularly Melbourne, so I loved this book’s setting, as well as its premise. I don’t think enough books deal with the reality of how deeply, painfully selfish most women have to be in order to make their art a priority, even if they don’t have children. I think this is what I’ve realised, both in my own life and through the reading of books such as these, that women are still expected to, as Mary Wollstonecraft put it in 1792, “make themselves AGREEABLE” (!) and put the needs of others first, regardless of whether they’re mothers or not. It’s something we always seem to be pushing back against. Bad Art Mother was a refreshing look at this, from both sides of the coin. It has a nostalgic but also quite sweeping, all-consuming energy - Christos Tsiolkas was quite right when he described it as a “panorama” of a novel - as all the women, of varying marital statuses, in the story push against the gender barriers of the time and fight to be recognised as legitimate artists. It also made me realise that we might have come a long way but there’s still a long way to go. Worth a read!

I found Patti Smith’s Just Kids on the shelf of our Melbourne Airbnb, a book I had heard praised and much talked of for years and it was 100% worthy of the hype. I love Patti’s writing (I have a few other books of hers) but I must confess I didn’t know much about her and her life. There are many haunting moments in Just Kids but the one I keep thinking about is her description of giving birth to a child she had to put up for adoption, how cruel the medical staff were to her as an young unmarried mother, and how “carrying a child had literally opened the skin of my belly” (51). I loved it so much I procured a copy on my return (I only got three-quarters of the way through it during the trip) and have also treated myself to Patti’s A Book of Days.

I picked up one of my favourite Youtuber’s cookbooks while we were in Melbourne, from a great bookstore called Brunswick Bound - it’s fabulous (both the book and the bookstore).

I recently discovered the work of photographer Alan Villiers and was astonished at how beautiful and modern these images of early 20th century merchant ships are - the people look like they could be walking around today!

Why winning the Booker didn’t make this author feel she’d reached the top - I love Bernardine Evaristo, her writing, her wit, her thoughts on everything from politics to self development. Her energy is so motivating. She’s awesome.

Listening to

In the lead up to my talk for the Professional Historians Association, anxiety swirled around my body like an electrical storm. I found re-listening to this episode of The Imperfects very handy. I also enjoyed this episode of The Imperfects where they discussed a “40 Things I Wish I’d Known at 40” viral article and which items on the list resonated with them the most. Eye opening!

Therapy Works: Trisha Goddard on overcoming enormous adversity and finding love and happiness - this was excellent, though very difficult listening in parts, especially hearing about the racial abuse she has endured, particularly as a child. I gasped aloud in the street when she recalled something a teacher said to her. Trisha said she realised that the Black Lives Matter movement had helped her appreciate how much she had internalised over the first five or so decades of her life, thinking she was the problem. Listening to her articulate that, I realised that perhaps #MeToo has done the same for me. I always loved seeing Trisha on TV when I was a child. She was Australia’s first Black TV presenter - she did Playschool in the mornings, and The 7:30 Report in the evenings. What an icon!

James and Ashley Stay At Home: interviews with Anna Spargo-Ryan and Lee Kofman, both excellent.

Films to be Buried With, with Brett Goldstein: I only just discovered this podcast and it’s really fabulous! I have listened to the Dolly Alderton episode which was hilarious and highly relatable, as always.

Otherwise, just Poppy Ackroyd’s marvellous album Sketches on repeat, throughout May. Perfect writing music.

PICKING / GROWING

Another highlight of May - I have an allotment now! Dad gave me a packet of broad bean seeds to celebrate, so they were the first things I planted. Look how well they’re doing already! I also have a broccoli/kale hybrid growing in there, that was given to me by another gardener. September will be the time to get really excited and start planting other things - I have many other kinds of beans, as well as peas, silverbeet, zucchini, kale and broccoli seeds in my seed tin ready to go.

Eating/COOKING

Porridge bread has re-entered my regular repertoire and I am glad of it - it’s the most delicious bread which has an almost crumpet-like quality. Porridge is an essential winter breakfast so I always make a little extra so I can make this bread. I often double the original recipe and bake it in my enormous German bread tin (that I bought for something like €4 on one of our trips to Berlin) which gives us a loaf big enough to last the week! Do try it if you’re curious, I can’t recommend it more highly. It’s particularly good with sweet toppings like jam, marmalade or honey, but it’s also pretty great with avocado and Vegemite.

The food in Melbourne deserves a post of its own - I have written an article for Onya which I hope will be published soon so when it is I will send you there to read about all the wonderful things we indulged in on our little holiday! I keep thinking about the king oyster mushroom ‘calamari’ from the Green Man’s Arms (which Tom and I now refer to as our local), the vegan lemon delicious ice cream at Girls and Boys, the pizza at Red Sparrow and the ‘chicken’ katsu sando at Brother Bon.

And, confession time, this was my first ever trip to Melbourne where I didn’t go to the Shanghai Dumpling House. I know, I’m shocked too.

At the start of May (or perhaps it was the end of April, who knows!) I made green tomato pickle with all the green tomatoes from my home garden, and the box that was generously given to me at the allotment! I have about 10 jars maturing in the cupboard now, ready for spring and summer deliciousness. It’s my great-grandmother’s recipe, which is really amazing.

I have become quite addicted to fresh blackberries again, after years of not having them (the last time I had them might have been when I went foraging while I still lived in England!) - I particularly like them in a crumble with apples or apricots. I also have a jar of plums in my apocalypse cupboard (you had one too, right?) which I’d like to use up, so I daresay a plum and blackberry crumble is in. my near future.

I made Asma Khan’s aloo gobi mattar which was delicious, and continued to stock the freezer with this vegan bolognese which is seriously sensational.

We went to the Thai Veggie Hutt in the city (Hobart, that is) for lunch a few times in May - all vegetarian and vegan, and I had forgotten how utterly scrumptious all the food is. The pumpkin curry was a winner, both times, I loved how spicy and layered with flavour it was.

Not that much cooking in May, mostly eating, as other people did the cooking! It made a nice change.

Drinking

T2 French Earl Grey - I had written this tea off for years, thinking it too floral and overbearing for my palate. I accidentally ordered it in a quaint New Norfolk tearoom that used to be a church hall, and it was delightful. The trick, for me, is only to use one spoonful and brew it for 60 seconds, no more. Then it’s light and fragrant and truly delicious.

My favourite drink in Melbourne was the incredible Cos-no mocktail at the Green Man’s Arms - cranberry, blackberry and lime juices - sharp, fruity and very sophisticated!

Watching

Colin from Accounts (Binge): OMG this was fabulous. A fresh concept, clever writing, great acting and SO funny! And I loved that it was set in Sydney.

Call the Midwife (Binge and ABC iView) - Binge is the most appropriate channel for this show, as that is exactly what I have done over the past few months!

I think I’m in the minority on the finale of Succession (Binge) - I thought it was a complete anti-climax and I came away feeling very numb, in disbelief and unsure what the point of any of it had been. It reminded me of how I felt in the immediate aftermath of learning the Leave vote had won and when the news broke that Trump had won the US election (oh, 2016, you were a shitshow). If that was what Jesse Armstrong intended for the series - to show us that the people (the families!) who control the media are in fact very dangerous because the decisions they make in their own self interest have wider repercussions for the rest of the world that they never even consider - then he succeeded! The Times seemed to agree with me.

The finale of Ted Lasso (Apple TV+), by comparison, was sublime. That is how you end a show. It was so good, we’re now watching the whole series again from the beginning.

Wearing/ using

These amazing earrings (the lemons and the female sign) from Snafu Designs in Melbourne - I have barely stopped wearing them. They even look great with a hoodie! Speaking of the hoodie, I haven’t stopped wearing that either! A Reconciliation Week special from Captain Robbo.

A lime green roll-neck crop jumper from Tassie icon Keshet - it goes with everything.

Beautiful homemade socks that my aunt made me as a birthday gift - they are so comfy and warm, I never want to wear any other kind of socks.

Adventure pants from Captain Robbo in Northcote - I wasn’t sure these would suit me but they are wonderful and I can’t stop wearing them! I got the Magic Mushrooms and the Hot Pink Plane Trees. And if you pop into the store, make sure you meet the resident pooch, Twiggy!

Perhaps “not wearing/using” might be a category in future, because I feel moved to tell you I’ve been wearing my Fitbit less, certainly not to sleep as I had been doing this past year or so. I felt my “performance” was being evaluated and I’ve learned (the hard way) that’s not a good space for me to be in when I already feel under pressure in other parts of my life. If you are similarly moulded, I encourage you to give yourself a breather from your devices that measure your daily activities. Streaks can be motivating but they can also add more pressure when that’s the last thing you need.

feeling grateful for

I’m sure most of you recognise this woman - here’s a reminder if not!

My friends. People who show up for me time and time again, who are always full of warmth and ready with a kind word, whose assumptions are always generous. People who start a text with “I know I can tell you this, because you won’t take it the wrong way...” (and I likewise!). I am particularly grateful for two writing friends who always pick up the phone or reply to a text when I reach out in the midst of a crisis of confidence.

I am also grateful to have turned 42, an age quite a few people I’ve known in my life tragically never reached. I remember, in my late twenties, wondering what it would be like to be this age, the same age Virginia Woolf was when she wrote To The Lighthouse. Now I’m here. What does it feel like? Like I’m more myself, and that life is richer. It’s not as simple as it used to be (and of course I can only see it was simpler from where I’m standing now, 15 years on), but it’s undoubtedly richer.

I felt so lucky, marking turning 42 in Melbourne with my darling husband and our many friends there. It was a wonderful birthday, the best I’ve had in a while. These days my birthday is a day of real contemplation, a bit like a New Year, where I reflect on the year that’s gone and try to release anything that might have dragged me down, as well as any past ambitions that don’t really match up with who I am now. It’s a day where I remind myself how far I’ve come, how grateful I am for all the good things in my life, and think about what really matters to me, now, in this present moment. Perhaps I am starting to appreciate the limits to my time here on this planet. I am trying to use it well.

Quote of the MONTH

“Sometimes there are no rules.” - Mary Oliver

If you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything else, with me, please do! I hope you also had a wonderful May….and I’ll look forward to sharing June with you very soon!

Please note: this blog post has affiliate links with retailers such as Booktopia which means I may receive a commission for a sale that I refer, at no extra cost to you.

how to start journalling (and make it a habit)

I have been journaling for 1,243 mornings straight… (since 20 December 2019)

I get asked about journalling quite a lot. So I thought it was time I wrote a blog post about it - so if this is your bag, strap yourself in, get a cup of tea and enjoy one of my famous long reads!

my journalling habit

I started journalling (or “keeping a diary” as I called it) regularly in 1991 several months before my tenth birthday, and I continue to this day - in fact, right now I am a more regular and prolific journal-keeper than I ever have been.

I started writing Morning Pages daily at the end of 2019, a few months in to my PhD studies. Morning Pages are a practice that involves filling three pages (no more, no less) with whatever it is you’re thinking, stream-of-consciousness style, first thing every day. You should feel free to write whatever you want because in theory no one is ever going to read it, not even you. It’s simply a way of emptying your mind of the dross so that if you want to do some creative work, your mind won’t be preoccupied with the usual things it latches on to, preventing you from doing some deep thinking and creating.

I wasn’t new to the concept - I had done Morning Pages for a few months here and there over the years, but this time I really stuck with it. I’m not sure what it was about this time. Perhaps it was everything that happened at the start of 2020 and I suddenly had a desperate urge to capture and make sense of everything that was happening.

The notebooks I filled between April 2019 and August 2021.

Over three years later, they are still a daily habit! And I have no plans to ever stop. Even Tom is now doing Morning Pages, as he's seen the benefits it has had for my creativity and productivity, and he wanted in!

A journalling prompt for you, perhaps?

I call my morning journalling ritual “my pages” but I don’t think they’re Morning Pages in the strictest sense - they are not truly stream of consciousness (though sometimes they are) nor are they a considered, thoughtful setting down of what has happened in the previous 24 hours. I’d say my daily “pages” are somewhere in-between the two. That works for me.

Indeed, as Julia Cameron says herself, there’s no wrong way to do Morning Pages. Doing them is what’s important.

Alternatively, you might prefer reflective journalling at the end of each day. Helen Garner, possibly Australia’s most famous diarist, once said in an interview that, as she lives alone, she liked the evening ritual of just setting down a few thoughts on “how things went today”. I occasionally write in my journal in the evening too, I especially like to do a gratitude practice (see further).

Why do it?

Why do anything? Because you want to.

Because it brings you joy, clarity, calm, purpose.

Because it helps.

I do it for the same reasons I write in general - to figure out what I really think and feel, to work out what’s really going on. To remember things I don’t want to forget.

A momentous day indeed!

Posterity is a great reason to keep a journal. I have not had the heart or nerve to read any of my journals prior to 2006 (there aren’t many but I know they’re most likely incredibly embarrassing!) but I quite enjoy looking back through my more recent notebooks, even though Julia Cameron warns you not to read back through your Morning Pages in case it impedes you and wakes up the inner critic. I’ve not found that to be the case, yet.

I’ve come to realise that as great as it is to record the momentous occasions in life in writing (see picture!), it’s the random thoughts and the details of everyday life, as I was living it then, that I most enjoy having access to, thanks to regular journal keeping. Suddenly, the details are so clear. It’s like being back there.

I have at least five notebooks each for the last three years alone, but back in London it would usually take me a year to fill just one. Life was so hectic then. I wrote as much as I could but I wish I had written more. I was so convinced I would remember everything.

So now, I write every day. The most basic, mundane stuff. Because one day, it won’t be.

Ideas for getting started

Morning writing

As detailed above, I think making the ritual of journaling first thing in the morning, with your cup of tea or coffee, is a great way to start making it a habit. You will start to really look forward to it. It can be Morning Pages in the truest sense, just stream of consciousness until you’ve filled three pages, or more considered ordering of your thoughts. It’s up to you!

Gratitude journalling

This is also a lovely practice to get in the habit of, particularly if you want to change your mindset to a more positive one. Recognising your life’s many blessings, however small, can really help give you perspective. You don’t have to fill three pages if you don’t want to (though it’s easier than it sounds). You could just write five things that you noticed or that happened today (or yesterday, if you’re writing first thing in the morning) that you’re grateful for. I try to do this as an evening practice as well as my Morning Pages.

Travel journalling

Travel is a wonderful excuse to buy a lovely notebook (maybe in the place you’re visiting?) and start setting down what you get up to each day, the people you meet, the sights you see, the thoughts you have being away from home and everything familiar.

Prior to my current daily pages habit, the most prolific I had ever been with journalling was my solo trip around North America and my first few months of living in London in 2007. Every day, every hour sometimes, held new and wondrous things that I knew I wanted to capture and remember forever. There are only a few times in your life, I think, when you know you’re in some golden days while they’re actually happening, and that period of time was mine.

Dream journalling

Personally I don’t do this unless there was a dream that was particularly vivid and it’s all I can think about when I pick up the pen to do my Morning Pages. But many people do and find it useful, if not entertaining. It can be a great way to observe your subconscious at work.

Abundance mindset / affirmations

I really like doing this too, and I’d highly recommend checking out Bernardine Evaristo’s interview (and her wonderful memoir Manifesto) about positive intention setting.

Writing down the things you want to happen has some kind of magical power I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on. Recently, I was looking through a 2013 journal and found I had written down that I wanted to start putting a PhD proposal together. I was still living in the UK then so I’m not sure which university I had my sights set on, but the dream I’d had since I was a teenager was still with me. It took another six years to put a proposal together and get accepted into a PhD, but here I am, in my final year. Time is not a butler, as Austin Kleon put it. Things will happen on their own timetable. The trick is to stay open and never ignore a dream that won’t go away.

Things to remember

I’ve often dedicated several pages - usually the first or last handful of the current journal - to “things to remember”, reminders that ground me, things I find useful to hear often depending on what is currently going on in my life. If I read something in an article or book, or hear something someone says in a podcast, that particularly speaks to me, that might be helpful for me to bear in mind at the present time, I write it there.

Things like:

• “I am always taken care of, regardless of what I believe I do or don’t need.”

• “Other people’s karma is none of my business.”

• “You can’t control how people behave or treat you, you are only in control of how you let it affect you.”

That kind of thing. Perhaps it’s affirmations, but it’s all useful things that I find comforting and grounding. I highly recommend this if you’re a bit like me and find your anxiety running away with you at times. It can be really handy to look at it in your over-thinking moments.

Art journalling

Sometimes, with my brush pen, I copy out quotes and lines of poems that speak to me, and embellish them with ink paintings…well, I do my best.

Or I just draw lines and patterns with the brush pen, and add phrases or single words. It’s great fun.

Lines from the poem “I Imagine Myself In Time” by Jane Hirshfield, one of my favourite poets.

Here’s my thoughts on a couple of other frequently asked journalling-related questions:

do i have to do it every day?

No, not at all. But in order to make it a habit, if that’s what you want, you’re probably going to have to get into some kind of regular routine with it that works for you.

But don’t worry, it’s normal to go through periods of not really feeling it. To be honest, I’m going through a period of that myself. In 2020, with every day being so charged with uncertainty and life changing so rapidly in such a short space of time, I kind of looked forward to writing my pages each morning. There was always something to write about!

Recently, I’ve noticed a little inertia creeping in. And that’s OK. I don’t want to give up the daily habit, seeing as I’ve stuck with it for so long, so I’m just making my peace with currently writing utter nonsense, repetitive garbled words that can barely be called prose. It’s fine, I’m not Anaïs Nin. These are not going to be published. These will just be the pages I flick past, or rip out, if I ever read it in future.

what if someone finds it and reads it?!

This is one of the things I hear most frequently and, I must admit, it has worried me in the past too.

A quote from the brilliant novel Assembly by Natasha Brown. A must read.

When I was younger, I had my journal found and read by people who I never intended to read it, who then used what was in it against me. It was admittedly a very long time ago now but I still struggle to find the words for how scarring and traumatic it was. It made me feel like nowhere was safe for my private thoughts or, more accurately, I wasn’t allowed to have them. Everything about me, even my thoughts, had to be curated. No wonder I spent so much of my early adult life doing things that felt so incongruent with who I truly was - trauma and shame kept me from using my voice’s most natural outlet. Without it, I had no idea what I truly felt, thought or wanted. I was lost, and completely at the mercy of others.

Thankfully that’s no longer the case and those lost years are just part of my origin story now. But it’s taken me a long time to own my words, to wield their power well, and to reject the idea that I am solely responsible for their impact, particularly if they’re read by an unintended audience. I’m getting there but it still takes a lot for me to write truly uncensored. Though I can’t deny, with everything that’s happened over the last year, it’s such a release when I do!

If you’ve had a similar violation of your privacy and trust, or have reason to believe such a thing might happen, please know you are not alone. I can only advise you to do whatever it takes so that you can convince yourself that your journal is your safe space. Know that you are entitled to privacy and respect, no matter who you live with or how old you are. Keep your journal in a safe place, out of sight or, if necessary, under lock and key! Alternatively, write your pages each morning on a cheap notepad, then burn or destroy them afterwards, don’t keep them. What matters most is that you have a way to express yourself.

I have small children. time for myself in the mornings? What’s that?!

The fact that my morning routine is something I am able to prioritise and do without interruption every day is not something I take for granted - it is one of the great joys of my life and helps me feel anchored and get in a good mindset for the day. I can’t speak to how to best do that if you have small children but my old blogging friend Dr Jemma has a great episode on her podcast about how to create a nourishing morning routine with kids. I think this is her updated version, as she’s recently become a mum of 4! In fact, if you’re a busy and ambitious parent, you need to subscribe to her podcast!

My friend Katie Parker, who also specialises in supporting mothers of young children with their business goals and life balance, has some wonderful resources on her social media and has spoken often about the benefits of journalling.

published journals I love and would recommend

• The Diary of A Young Girl by Anne Frank (the one that started it all for me, aged 10!)

• I devoured the diaries of Anaïs Nin as a teenager but have not read them for many years now. They are a classic of the genre, as she was such a pioneer in terms of writing that walked the tightrope between public and private. Not for the faint-hearted. This LitHub article is a great introduction!

• If you’re a fan of New Zealand writer Katherine Mansfield, her journal is worth reading.

• Nigel Slater’s The Kitchen Diaries trilogy are all wonderful - the first is probably my favourite. I do long write something similar one day.

• Stephanie’s Journal by Stephanie Alexander (out of print) - again, a lovely blend of food and life, documenting the year 1997 which turned out to be quite momentous for one of Australia’s most loved and respected chefs and food writers. Worth looking out for secondhand or in an op shop!

• Helen Garner’s recently published volumes of diaries are fascinating reading - my favourite was the final one, How to End a Story. She is so crisp and devastating in her observations. I don’t think I will ever have her brevity!

• Beverley Farmer’s A Body of Water - perhaps not strictly a journal exclusively, but an interesting mash-mash of journal entries and short stories alongside essays on the writing process. I loved it!

• Sylvia Plath’s journals are a bit of a creative touchstone for me - I think they’re essential reading for anyone interested in her life and work.

• A Notable Woman by Jean Lucey Pratt - a remarkable volume that spans almost the entirety of Pratt’s life, from 1925 when she was a teenager to her death in 1986. Writing that is surprisingly intimate, frank and fresh.

• The diaries of Nella Last are also fascinating reading if you’re interested in life during World War Two - Nella was “Housewife, 49” who contributed diaries to the Mass Observation Project.

• Modern Nature by Derek Jarman - this is a beautiful and utterly compelling journal where Derek, living with the trauma and uncertainty of being HIV positive in the late 1980s, documents the creation of a garden that’s as visionary, wondrous and original as his art. Highly recommended.

• My Mad Fat Diary and My Madder, Fatter Diary by Rae Earl - full of hilarity and 1980s nostalgia, but also a deeply courageous documentation of what it was like to have a breakdown as a teenager when adolescent mental health services didn’t exist.

• Tom has been chipping away at Michael Palin’s Complete Diaries at bedtime for quite a while (in all fairness, it’s 1,952 pages!) and often reads me passages that are hilarious, deeply moving, or both.

I’m sure there’s more I’ve forgotten…..I will make additions when my memory is jogged!

So, what do you think? Are you inspired to start making journalling a habit? Let me know your thoughts!

Please note: this blog post has affiliate links with retailers such as Booktopia which means I may receive a commission for a sale that I refer, at no extra cost to you.