summer's end, a list

A flowering gum I spotted on one of my runs over the summer.

The end of summer. The year makes a turn and drives down the road of another season.

A spectacular sunset at the end of January.

I just had a look on my camera roll at photos taken over the summer and, to my delight, it’s mostly Tom and I with our nieces and nephews. Time with them always fills my cup, and I’m so grateful that abundant time with our family is possible - it’s the main reason we moved home. Whenever people ask me if I have children, I reply with “no, but I’m the proud aunt of some wonderful little people” and proceed to bore them with details about our youngest niece’s first day at kindergarten, or the way our 18 month old nephew waits at the window for us when he knows we’re coming to visit, or a sleepover we had with our teenage niece where we played Mario Kart, ate burgers and chips, watched Pride and Prejudice and talked about everything from our favourite Mecca products to why I wrote The Latte Years (she asked!).

A lot has happened since I last wrote to you. We’ve had some complicated and painful things to deal with - some of which have been going on for years. We had a lot of plans that didn’t quite come to fruition. We’ve had to roll with some quite hard punches. All things considered, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that we got to the end of 2023 quite burnt out and a bit heartbroken. But, as with most things, if I zoom out far enough to get a bird’s eye view, our life is pretty wonderful. We’re doing OK. And, as my new therapist reminds me at the end of every session, we will be OK, whatever happens.

A sunflower I grew from seeds left by a colleague in the tearoom at work. They grew well this summer.

Yes, I started seeing a therapist again a few months ago, which has entailed going back through my history, a task I didn’t particularly want to do but could only avoid for so long. In my work, I constantly grapple with backstories, hidden histories, things people didn’t want or weren’t allowed to say, so the irony of resisting this myself wasn’t lost on me. Therapy has been good for my writing too, I think. We have covered a lot of ground so far, and I feel lighter than I have for some time.

Anyway, please indulge me for the following randomness as a favourite season ends and another favourite (perhaps my most favourite) begins. And thank you to my pal Leonie Wise for the inspiration for the structure of this blog post - her blog is a treasure trove of seasonal lists and inventories. She could make a shopping list sound poetic!

1. Things I picked from the garden and allotment today // Runner beans. Cherry tomatoes. Silverbeet. Spring greens (a broccoli/cabbage hybrid). Rhubarb. Zucchini, some verging on marrowhood. Rainbow chard. Mint. Lemons. The first fig from my tree.

2. Things currently on my desk // which desk? I have three! Four if you count the dining table, where I also like to work because of the wonderful light the room gets throughout the day. That’s where I’m writing right now. Pint glass of water, two water bottles. Two cookbooks, a lover’s gift from Tom. A package that arrived earlier for him. Two notebooks, one personal, one for PhD. A pink Lamy Safari fountain pen. My running cap and a little change purse that has my driver's licence, bandaids, a hair tie and lipgloss in, which I took when I went running this morning (fun fact: the change purse was my Secret Santa gift at our bloggers Christmas party in Melbourne in 2006 - I still have no idea who gave it to me). AirPods, laptop and phone. That’s pretty minimalist for me, normally there’s at least seven books.

3. Favourite song on my run today // Free Yourself by Jessie Ware. Favourite song of the summer // This Land is Your Land by Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. And This is Home (Bright-Side Mix) by Peter Gabriel. Yes, Tom will be amazed - I like something by Peter Gabriel!

4. Visits to the beach // the idea of popping to the beach after work on a stinking hot day was a memory I cherished during my years in London. We make it happen as often as we can in the summer, and drive to our favourite one that only locals seem to know. The icy shock of the water as we first step in always surprises me. Then, once you dive in and get used to the cold, there’s nothing more refreshing. I could stay in for hours. Salt water also does something to my hair, maybe what it does to most people’s - as it dries it gets curly and wavy and looks like I’ve spent hours and a lot of money making it look that way. So I will gladly admit I also go to the beach to get beach hair.

5. Movie of the summer // The Holdovers (but a winter film, set at Christmas!). I also really enjoyed the Super Mario Bros movie and Emily the Criminal. Most overrated movie of the summer? Saltburn. I didn’t get the hype! My 20-something friends all loved it so I guess I’m just not the intended audience. Which is absolutely fine with me.

6. Drink of the summer // Lychee apple soda at Luna Chan. And any wine made by Bream Creek.

7. Eats of the summer // so many delicious things! Mostly salads, rice bowls, silken tofu breakfast bowls, summery pastas. I also learned how to make my own vegan melting cheese, thanks to Rose Elliot’s excellent recipe, see below.

8. Drinking less coffee and feeling surprisingly good on it. I also really like China Jasmine green tea, it turns out.

9. Working out more. Two strength workouts a week, two runs, one yoga class, and walks as often as possible. I feel really good, and even better about being more structured. I’ve realised recently that I have been putting my health (physical and mental) last for some time. I’m in my early forties now and that isn’t really something I can afford to be blasé about. Life has been very stressful so I’m not beating myself up too much about it, but this year I am determined to prioritise my health, not just for my longevity, energy and future mobility, but I also want to make it to the finish line of my PhD in one piece! I’ll happily talk more on this topic if people are interested. And I’m sure it goes without saying that I’m aware of my many privileges in this space :)

Recipes I’ve loved this summer

1. Moroccan sweet potato, chickpea and couscous with chermoula - a Hetty McKinnon recipe from her first book Community. I made it for a salad party. More on that in another post (it’s a great story!). But chermoula - where has this been all my life?! It’s so delicious, spicy and addictive and I’ve made it a lot over the summer.

2. Matt Pritchard’s Dirty Vegan granola

3. Deliciously Ella’s coronation chickpea sandwich

4. Ottolenghi’s pearl barley and pomegranate salad

5. Rose Elliot’s vegan melty cheese from her book Complete Vegan.

6. Bosh’s potato burger buns (so fluffy!) from their book Bosh on a Budget

7. Plenty more I’ve forgotten, and made up myself! I have lots of recipe posts in the backlog.

A short and sharp look at how easy it is to make vegan melty cheese at home! It really is very good. I may never buy vegan cheese again.

Cosmos at the allotment.

Things to remember

A lot of people wrote to me after this post - I’ll make it a regular thing! Here’s some little life reminders from my journals and notes on the iPhone over the last little while:

• You are loved and worthy, even when you think you have failed.

• Let go of the people who have let go of you.

• You can be right and still be in a situation where it’s not worth fighting.

• Everything is temporary, without exception.

• Aim for work-life harmony rather than balance, because work-life balance doesn’t exist. Work is a part of life.

• Perfect doesn’t exist. Your best is good enough.

• Suffering produces endurance. Endurance produces character. Character produces hope.

• You are more in control of your happiness than you think and probably allow yourself to be.

• Harness the power of defiance.

• “Patience is everything!” - Rilke

I’ve stayed away from my blog for months, not just because I’ve been seriously overwhelmed, stressed and had no time in my diary or room in my head for another box to tick, but I’ve also been feeling conflicted about posting content that feels frivolous and out of touch with all the horrific things going on in the world. But then I read this quote from Nick Cave:

“These are perilous and urgent times. This is not the hour to sit around moaning about the condition of the world — leave that to the posturing inhabitants of that most morbidly neurotic of spaces, social media — and nor is it the moment to fruitlessly wait for inspiration to find us. It’s time to get to work, to reach up and tear the divine idea from its heavenly cradle and proffer it to the world.”

— Nick Cave

Thank you to the people who have written to me over the past six months to make sure I’m OK - I am, and it means a lot that you care. I plan to make up for lost time and blog every day in March, so let’s see how long that lasts! xx

things to remember

Coffee. A daily essential, much like writing.

In my recent article about journalling, I mentioned that I often dedicate several pages - usually the first or last two or three - of my journal to “things to remember”.

By that I mean, I write down phrases, affirmations or reminders that ground me, things I find useful to hear often depending on what is currently going on. If I read something in an article or book, or hear something someone says in a podcast, that particularly speaks to me, that might be helpful for me to bear in mind at the present time, I will write it there. I also sometimes write down insights that occur to me in daily meditation.

I highly recommend this practice of writing down things you find comforting and grounding that you can look at and remind yourself of, especially if you’re a bit like me and find your anxiety running away with you at times. It can be really handy to look at it in your over-thinking moments.

As I’m just coming to the final few pages of my current notebook, I thought I might share some of the things I felt moved to remind myself of or ground myself in the truth of this last little while, in the hope it might be useful for you too. Perhaps I’ll make sharing these a regular thing.

Things to remember

• Karma never loses an address.

• When victory comes at too heavy a price, there’s honour in choosing defeat.

• The seeds we nourish and cultivate within us are the seeds that grow.

• Every storm eventually runs out of rain.

• No matter what you do, someone is bound to end up disappointed…so do what you want.

• There is no ahead or behind, everyone is walking a different path to the same place.

• You can have what you need, even when others need you.

• Confidence is quiet, insecurity is loud.

• How other people treat you is a measure of who they are, not a measure of your worthiness.

• Live with reverence for what truly matters.

• Be radically responsible for yourself.

Daphne (my favourite winter flower) on my desk at work as the sun started setting.

• No one has any power over you, only the power you’ve given them.

• Other people’s opinions are always one of two things: completely irrelevant or feedback you can choose to take or leave.

• Resilience is an asset.

• Live, and write, with audacity.

• The work is your domain, you are not in control of the rest.

• Finish what you start.

• Ripe fruit falls quickly.

• Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

• Being hard on yourself is never the route to more joy.

• You are going to be OK, regardless of the decisions and behaviour of others. You have survived everything so far.

• You are at your most powerful when you trust yourself.

• You are more than your thoughts. You are more than your body. You are more than the place where you live, your job, your bank account, your current health, your trauma, your highlight reel and accomplishments, your lowest moment and your worst day. You are enough. You always have been.

And finally….

“You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetic justice to your soul and simply experience yourself.” - Albert Camus

40 things i've learned about life, now i'm 40

1. If you don’t own it - your life, your past, your story - it will own you.

2. The messiest times in life are often, looking back, the most interesting and nearly always a source of growth. Hold your nerve, stay the course. Trust it will all work out.

3. A life filled with magic, adventure and fun does not just happen. You have to make the choice to cultivate those things in your life, every single day.

4. Playing small doesn’t serve you, only the people around you who want you to stay that way.

5. “See what happens” is not a cop-out, it’s a way of taking the pressure off. Letting things evolve naturally is a lesson in grace and patience.

6. You can't change anyone. People only change because they want to and there’s got to be something in it for them to do it.

7. We all have a choice in how we want to live - the trick is to make conscious choices rather than unconscious ones.

8. Tables always turn.

9. It is possible to be strong and fragile at the same time. Both are courageous.

10. Change is what it is. It’s all about how you negotiate it.

11. Anyone who believes gossip and lies about you before hearing your side of the story was already looking for a reason to be against you. Let them go.

12. Protect your mental health and inner peace by any means necessary. You never have to apologise for protecting yourself.

13. Old ways will rarely open new doors.

14. Perspective is everything (thank you Sandi Sieger).

15. Your passions are not accidents. They are the clues to where you will find meaning in life. Embrace them. Follow them.

16. Three things always come out - the sun, the moon, and the truth.

17. You have to go out on a limb in life, because that’s where the fruit is. Corny but true!

18. There are many universal needs that human beings have - one of them is to feel appreciated. Showing gratitude, for others and for life, as often as you can is an instant mood lifter.

19. Love will never feel like love unless you also love yourself.

20. Comparison is the quickest route to despair.

21. No is a complete sentence. And you can say it - just do it politely and fast.

22. Most people deserve a second chance. But no one deserves a third (see point 12).

23. Likes and follows are empty calories that never satisfy. Find what really feeds you instead.

24. There is no shinier, more successful, more likeable, more accomplished, more together you waiting in the future. You are only you, now. You are only ever here. Accepting that will make life so much easier, and sweeter.

25. Confidence doesn’t come from achievements, it comes when you decide to have it. Confidence is a choice.

26. So is self-pity.

27. You are the only one who can give yourself what you’re seeking from others.

28. When change comes, it’s likely that opportunity will also knock at the door. Keep an ear out.

29. Nothing is forever - pain or joy.

30. Boundaries will protect you, and allow you to love and give more freely. Without them, you will be constantly resentful and disappointed.

31. It’s amazing what can happen when you drop all your expectations and attachment to an outcome.

32. Continuing to choose joy in the face of adversity is an act of courage and resistance (thank you Holly Ringland).

33. Meanings of words change all the time. “Success” is probably the most mercurial. You do not have to hold yourself hostage to past definitions if they no longer serve you.

34. You can endure a lot more than you think you can.

35. If it makes you happy, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.

36. Slow progress is still progress.

37. It is possible to one day laugh in places where you used to cry. Know that you can always change the story.

38. Failure and defeat are better judges of character than success.

39. Fighting ageing is a battle no one has ever won, and getting older is a privilege denied to so many. Look forwards, not backwards.

40. When in doubt, be bold, generous, loving and unafraid.

adventures in meditation, part one

Every year, I've made a resolution to learn to meditate and start a meditation practice.

I've been making that resolution for about nine years, maybe longer.

The reason I kept trying? Because every interview with or profile of anyone I admire - whether they're a writer, a public figure, an entrepreneur, or just a generally enlightened and content person - usually mentions meditation in some way. That it is key to their creative practice, to balance, to keeping calm, to staying sane. That it opens the door between the person they are, or have to be in the world, and the person they want to be.

At the start of this year, a friend gifted me Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map, a much-spoken of phenomena in the online world that gets a lot of traction around New Year, and with good reason - it's a pretty effective system for driving down into what you really want for your life.  One of the activities is 'Core Desired Feelings' and after much excavation and brainstorming, two of my four were 'calm' and 'wise'.

Much of the work in programmes like this centres very much around action and sovereignty when it comes to what you want to happen in your life. In other words, what do you have to do to feel the way you want to feel? What is something you can do, that is within your control, right now to get you closer to where you want to be?

The answer for those two particular desires I had identified in myself was.....meditate.

So, around the same time I did the Desire Map work, I began experimenting with meditation with the help of a wonderful (and free!) app I highly recommend called Insight Timer. This is the moment to tell you this is not a sponsored post, in any way, I just love this app! I think Laura might have recommended it to me too.

The app was great. But instantly I was reminded of why I had abandoned all previous attempts - because my mind was so manic, it wouldn't focus. I could barely get through 60 seconds.

"Just focus on your breath" - sounds easy, am I right? Wrong.  

After many months now, the trick that has helped me the most in learning to meditate has been thinking of my mind as a puppy in training. What do you say to a puppy when you're trying to teach it? 

"Stay."

So every time I notice my mind wandering in meditation, as it always does, I call it to heel like I would an adorable puppy. Hearing the word "stay" does jolt my mind back to the task at hand. A few breaths and it will stay, like a good mind. Then it wanders off again, and I gently grab it by the collar and lead it back. 

It's a nice metaphor, when it works! But my mind isn't always a cute puppy that comes back obediently when it's called. Sometimes meditation for me is like finding the puppy has destroyed the couch, chewed your favourite books and done its business everywhere. Moments like those, I set the timer for 2 minutes and that has to be enough. Miraculously, those 2 minutes do the trick. 

The benefits of meditation are seeping into other aspects of my life too. I find I'm calmer in general, able to let things go a lot faster than I used to. I get pissed off, of course but I allow myself to feel it, for five or ten minutes and then, frankly, I get bored and move on! I've also found I'm sleeping better thanks to meditation, even when I'm anxious. Even when I wake up for no reason and can't get back to sleep - the anger and panic at only being 5 hours away from the alarm going off, and then 4, and so on, has dissipated dramatically. I find that I can rest in those moments, even if I don't go back to sleep straight away. 

I meditated for 53 days straight over March and April, usually in the evenings, after work, before bed. It seemed to be working. I had gone from barely being able to do 5 minutes to doing guided meditations for half an hour or more. I was on a roll!

But then I lost my winning streak thanks to just one stressful and busy day at the end of April, where making time to meditate merely slipped my mind. Hardly a major crime. But over the next few days, I had one day on, one day off, and it just didn't work. Perhaps the practice hadn't been so carefully carved out as I thought. I found myself feeling really out of sorts and realised that meditation had come to be an essential part of my routine, like perfume, caffeine and morning pages. I didn't feel myself without it. Much like running. 

It didn't matter that I'd fallen off the wagon. In fact, there was no wagon. It's a practice. I just had to start again. 

Meditation has become part of my daily routine. My rule is "meditation before social media", which means I meditate as soon as I wake up, happily filling the space between being conscious and the coffee being ready.

I didn't expect it to change my life, but it really has. 

"Meditation is not a means to an end. It is both the means and the end." – Jiddu Krishnamurti

More on this subject to come, as I feel it will be quite an adventure, as the post title hints! 

Do you meditate regularly? How do you find it?

if only you'd remember

"If only you'd remember before ever you sit down to write that you've been a reader long before you were ever a writer. You simply fix that fact in your mind, then sit very still and ask yourself, as a reader, what piece of writing in all the world Buddy Glass would most want to read if he had his heart's choice. The next step is terrible, but so simple I can hardly believe it as I write it. You just sit down shamelessly and write the thing yourself. I won't even underline that. It's too important to be underlined. Oh, dare to do it, Buddy! Trust your heart. You're a deserving craftsman. It would never betray you."

-J.D Salinger, Seymour: An Introduction