quitting social media: six months later

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Not sure what I’m on about? Read this post and this one.

So, as you know, at the start of January 2022, I decided to have a hiatus from social media. It has now been SIX MONTHS.

I truly don't miss it. I’ve only missed it when my FOMO is triggered, which to my great surprise is not as often as I was expecting. I think, if anything, social media was the biggest source of FOMO for me. I was constantly thinking about what I should be doing, with the lives and achievements of people I admired constantly on display. Not that that wasn’t motivating, of course, but it also made me feel very inadequate at times.

There are some great aspects to social media, don’t get me wrong. And there have certainly been some downsides to going cold turkey and disappearing. But, overall, trying to find joy, calm, peace and purpose in my life is so much easier without it.

I think what has really excited me about the whole experiment is how much of my time and energy has been restored. Since being off socials, I feel I have made some substantial progress with my PhD (not so much in word count but in terms of grappling with the ideas - which suggests I've had more capacity to think deeply and in a more focused way, interesting!), I've written and submitted a short story to a journal I've always wanted to write for, I've redesigned two websites, and my husband and I have launched a business! All things I'd wanted to do for ages but believed I needed more time for. Turns out I had the time, I just had to be smarter about how I was spending it.

I have my brain back, and my life back! That’s enough for me to continue on with the experiment indefinitely.

• VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

  Hi everyone. I just wanted to do a little video update for you all because last Sunday it was six months since I last used social media. Well, certainly the two channels I was most active on - Instagram and Twitter. I have not looked at either of those platforms for six months, which feels like something of an achievement in this day and age!

  I've had a lot of interest recently - a lot of people writing to me, saying that they have found my blog by Googling “how to quit social media” which is incredibly flattering. And also shows that my SEO is working! So I wanted to give you a little update to let you know how I was getting on and the changes that I've observed in myself in this time.

  I feel like I have my life back, if that makes sense. I know that might sound overdramatic, but I feel like my life is my own again and let me explain why. All of a sudden, I'm just living my life for me. I'm not taking endless photographs of everything in the hope that I can have a good one to put on social media later. I'm not trying to come up with quick, zingy thoughts that I can distil into two sentences and put on Twitter. I'm not following every public debate and discourse and trying to formulate an opinion as quickly as I can, or feeling like I even have to form an opinion on anything. All of a sudden, my life is just mine again and I'm not worried about what my life looks like to other people anymore. Even though I would have violently protested when I was using these platforms that that was a concern of mine, I think it was, subconsciously, because that's basically what you're doing with social media isn't it? You're saying to people “this is my life, this is what I get up to. What do you think?”

  I know it sounds weird, but I almost feel like my brain is different as well! I noticed this the other day when I was doing some work for my PhD. Even though this isn't necessarily reflected in the amount of words I have written this year, but I feel like my ability to think more clearly and deeply has been restored, as crazy as that sounds. I feel like I've really started grappling with what my thesis is actually about and I feel like I've been able to articulate and dive deeper and really grapple with the ideas. It could be just a coincidence. It could just be that this is the stage in candidature that I'm at, but I can't help but notice the coincidence that all of a sudden my ability to focus and think deeply and clearly is certainly sharper and stronger than it was six months ago. That is unquestionable.

  To be transparent with you, it's had its downsides as well, because I don't see what all my friends are up to anymore. I'm not as up to date with what's going on with them. Some friends have happily transferred over to text, and we keep in touch that way, and others haven't so it just takes a little bit more prodding. So, that's been interesting but OK because I realise I'm the outlier here. Like I say, it's certainly had some downsides because I don't find out things in real time anymore. I'm told about them later, well after they've occurred! Like I say, I'm not saying that there haven't been some downsides because they have but the positives have far outweighed any cons for me so I'm certainly going to stay off for the foreseeable future.

  I'm really enjoying writing on my blog again. I'm really enjoying hearing from readers and having real conversations with people - lots of very, very interesting ideas and questions and it's still very much an experiment. I'm not saying that I'll never go back on. I probably will at some point, just out of sheer curiosity! But it's almost now a bit like “how long can I stay away? Could I make it to a year without going on social media?!” Let's see. This is still an experiment. I'm very curious and very open to seeing how everything transpires but…I'm enjoying life without it. So I'll keep going but I'll keep sharing what I'm up to on here and I'm really grateful to everyone who's cottoned on that this is where I'm at and is joining the party. It's great to have you here and I will share another update soon. Take care of yourselves, bye for now!

Would you like to share your thoughts on this post with me? Please do - I’d love to hear from you!

quitting social media: a video diary

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Not sure what I’m on about? Read this post.

So, as you know, at the start of January 2022, I decided to have a hiatus from social media. It has now been four months.

And you know what? I think I’m going to stay away, certainly for the foreseeable future.

I miss it sometimes, but I don’t miss it enough. I prefer life this way. Quieter, more reflective, less performative. More time to write and blog, more time to think. I’m learning French. I’m sewing. I’m exercising more and reading more. Despite a few destabilising events of late, I still feel mentally strong and calmer than I can ever remember being in my adult life. If anything, being away from social media has helped me cope better with some recent events.

I miss connecting with people but, on reflection, I don’t know how much of it was true connection. Several people who I thought would notice my lack of activity have not. But I’ve been very humbled by the people who have reached out and let me know they’re enjoying the fact I’ve been blogging regularly again.

Admittedly, I occasionally have moments where my busy-body gene goes into overdrive and I feel a huge compulsion to just KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS UP TO but somehow (perhaps thanks to a daily meditation practice) I’ve managed to observe myself in these moments and become very curious about why.

Why do I need to see what people are up to? Is it healthy/helpful/necessary to know so much about other peoples’ lives, often people we have never even met? We know everything online is curated and edited to varying degrees, and that we're only seeing what people want us to see. With that in mind, is any of it real? And if the answer to that question is no, then why do we allow these platforms to drain our time, creative energy and self-esteem?

Frankly, I feel like a total rebel to have broken away! 

The video below is just a mish-mash of some video diaries I made in January and February, only a few days, weeks and then a month or so into my hiatus. I think you can even see the difference in me physically, and not just because I’d had a haircut by the last video! And don’t worry, I’ll be doing my video diaries in landscape mode from now on (cringe)!

• VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

  Day 8, 18 January 2022

  How does one do these things – vlogs? I'm much better at writing than I am saying what's on my mind and being articulate in the moment I think. However, this is day 8 of no social media for me. I feel so much calmer than I have for a very very long time. I feel like it's really nice that I don't know what other people are doing and they don't know what I'm doing! I feel free in a bizarre kind of way. I'm free in a way that I actually always have been, I just chose not to pay attention to that fact.

  Day 20, 30 January 2022

  Hello everyone. It's Sunday, it's about 8:30 in the evening. I've watered the garden, Tom is watering the back garden, we've eaten, and I have been off social media for 20 days and… I feel like a new person! I don't actually know if I want to go back on! So…stay tuned!

  Day 42, 21 February 2022

  Hello everyone. It's the 21st of February which means I have been off social media for 42 days.

  The benefits have been amazing. So amazing that I'm really considering never going back! But maybe going back to tell people that I'm not on there anymore because I didn't actually announce that I was taking a hiatus. I just put everything in a different area of my phone where I couldn't access it easily and then have quite impressed myself with my willpower and just not opened the apps for 42 days. Since the 10th of January.

  Interacting with people and connecting with people is still very, very important to me. It's the main reason I started blogging in the first place, because I wanted to be part of something and I wanted to join the conversations that were happening and I wanted to connect with people and help people feel less alone on the journey that they were on.

  And I still feel like that – but I feel like I can do it the way I used to do it. I started blogging with no idea what I was doing and no intention of growing a global audience or a brand or a following but that's exactly what ended up happening just purely organically and by accident. And I did all of it without social media! I really feel like blogging is going to have a renaissance and I want to get on that train before it leaves the station.

  So yeah, I'm not really sure what's going to happen next. All I know is that I'm enjoying this experiment greatly and I really hope whatever happens that you'll come along for the ride because I'm not going anywhere! I think that the world is changing and the world is waking up.

  Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I send lots of love and I hope you're all well. Stay tuned! Thanks for listening.

Would you like to share your thoughts on this post with me? Please do - I’d love to hear from you!

quitting social media: an experiment

At the start of January 2022, I decided to have a somewhat permanent break from social media.

I didn't announce it nor did I particularly plan it ahead of time - it was a combination of the lingering effects of some stressful events at the end of 2021 to top off what had not been a vintage year anyway; and despair at what felt like a maelstrom of anger and fear everywhere I looked online around the time of the omicron surge in Australia. For my mental health, I knew something needed to change.

I was also increasingly dissatisfied with how many hours I knew I was losing to basically what is the psyche's equivalent of the pokies.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are some great aspects to social media. It’s not a bad thing in itself. But what many of us don’t appreciate is that the companies who own the platforms (Facebook/Meta/Zuckerverse, etc) designed them deliberately to be as addictive as possible. Therefore, trying to get some semblance of balance in your usage of social media is so much harder than you’d think.

So, I disappeared. Cold turkey.

Has anyone noticed? I have no idea! But what I have noticed is an incredible difference in my mental health, my stress levels, my equilibrium, my energy, and my creativity. It might be a combination of other changes I’ve made (more about those later) but I can’t recall ever feeling this clear-headed in my entire adult life.

Connection with others is what fuels me. And I value the connections I’ve made on social media over the years very much. But many of them have been taken offline - I now have two penpals who live in Melbourne, both of whom I follow on socials, but during the lockdowns we started writing letters to each other, which we’ve continued. As a result I know far more about what is really going on in their lives than what they choose to share publicly on their grids - and likewise they know far more about what’s really going on with me. That is real connection. That is what I want more of.

The video below (please forgive the portrait mode it was shot in, I know it should be landscape!) is a little stream-of-consciousness ramble I recorded three weeks into my break. Another month has passed since I recorded this and I still feel no real need to return. I am missing the connection and interaction with others but I know with a bit of effort this can be sourced elsewhere. And I think more and more people are catching on. Perhaps blogging is about to have a big renaissance.

Stay tuned. This is an interesting, and exciting, experiment. 

• VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

  Hello everyone! It’s the thirty-first of January, which means I have been off social media for three weeks today. And, as I've alluded to in previous videos, I've been so surprised by the fact that I haven't missed it at all.

  I feel calmer, I feel less panicked, I feel less anxiety, I don't feel as angry or tense or on edge. I don't feel like my attention or focus is compromised. I feel clearer in the head and more alert. I've been able to choose where my energy goes and that's incredibly empowering.

  I really thought that I had a handle on my social media habits. I really thought that I chose when I looked at these various platforms, that I chose the time of day or the period of time that I allowed myself to have a look but I really didn't appreciate how many hours each day I was clocking up, refreshing and losing time when there wasn't really anything new to see and, more to the point, there wasn't anything new for me to say or share! It was just very basic stuff that I'm not sure people are really all that interested in and it's not content I want to devote my precious time and creativity to. I want to use my creativity for my creative work and so to have this time back, this brain space back, feels like such a gift.

  And it was a gift I was able to give myself with basically no effort. All I had to do was make the decision. It's amazing what a transformation it has been.

  I didn't realise that the average social media user spends 2.5 hours a day on the various platforms – that’s 15-18 hours a week? That's a part time job! So when you think about it that way, that’s 15-18 hours a week that you could get a part time job, that you could use to learn an instrument, to train for a 10K, to write a novel, to build websites, to exercise, to start a garden, to spend time with your family - all of these things that we think we don't have the time to do, we actually do but it's making a choice to use your time consciously and to make conscious choices. That’s something that I have advocated publicly for a very long time, but it was always within the health and fitness context. I’m slowly appreciating that making conscious choices is something that effects every aspect of our lives - physical health, mental health, wellbeing, financial freedom, financial health, career, everything! We have far more choices than we think we do. We have more power than we think we do.

  I guess as I've gotten older, my life is just more and more about wanting to live in integrity and really wanting to live my values. Having had this little time out to figure out what those values are and articulate them for myself and know deep within what I want to stand for and how I want to spend my time and the difference I want to make…if everyone could have this kind of epiphany, I wonder what kind of world we’d live in.

  I'll leave it there for now. I don't know when I'm going to go back on these things. I don't know if I'll go back at all! We shall see. Thank you for listening.

Would you like to share your thoughts on this post with me? Please do - I’d love to hear from you!

40 things i've learned about life, now i'm 40

1. If you don’t own it - your life, your past, your story - it will own you.

2. The messiest times in life are often, looking back, the most interesting and nearly always a source of growth. Hold your nerve, stay the course. Trust it will all work out.

3. A life filled with magic, adventure and fun does not just happen. You have to make the choice to cultivate those things in your life, every single day.

4. Playing small doesn’t serve you, only the people around you who want you to stay that way.

5. “See what happens” is not a cop-out, it’s a way of taking the pressure off. Letting things evolve naturally is a lesson in grace and patience.

6. You can't change anyone. People only change because they want to and there’s got to be something in it for them to do it.

7. We all have a choice in how we want to live - the trick is to make conscious choices rather than unconscious ones.

8. Tables always turn.

9. It is possible to be strong and fragile at the same time. Both are courageous.

10. Change is what it is. It’s all about how you negotiate it.

11. Anyone who believes gossip and lies about you before hearing your side of the story was already looking for a reason to be against you. Let them go.

12. Protect your mental health and inner peace by any means necessary. You never have to apologise for protecting yourself.

13. Old ways will rarely open new doors.

14. Perspective is everything (thank you Sandi Sieger).

15. Your passions are not accidents. They are the clues to where you will find meaning in life. Embrace them. Follow them.

16. Three things always come out - the sun, the moon, and the truth.

17. You have to go out on a limb in life, because that’s where the fruit is. Corny but true!

18. There are many universal needs that human beings have - one of them is to feel appreciated. Showing gratitude, for others and for life, as often as you can is an instant mood lifter.

19. Love will never feel like love unless you also love yourself.

20. Comparison is the quickest route to despair.

21. No is a complete sentence. And you can say it - just do it politely and fast.

22. Most people deserve a second chance. But no one deserves a third (see point 12).

23. Likes and follows are empty calories that never satisfy. Find what really feeds you instead.

24. There is no shinier, more successful, more likeable, more accomplished, more together you waiting in the future. You are only you, now. You are only ever here. Accepting that will make life so much easier, and sweeter.

25. Confidence doesn’t come from achievements, it comes when you decide to have it. Confidence is a choice.

26. So is self-pity.

27. You are the only one who can give yourself what you’re seeking from others.

28. When change comes, it’s likely that opportunity will also knock at the door. Keep an ear out.

29. Nothing is forever - pain or joy.

30. Boundaries will protect you, and allow you to love and give more freely. Without them, you will be constantly resentful and disappointed.

31. It’s amazing what can happen when you drop all your expectations and attachment to an outcome.

32. Continuing to choose joy in the face of adversity is an act of courage and resistance (thank you Holly Ringland).

33. Meanings of words change all the time. “Success” is probably the most mercurial. You do not have to hold yourself hostage to past definitions if they no longer serve you.

34. You can endure a lot more than you think you can.

35. If it makes you happy, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.

36. Slow progress is still progress.

37. It is possible to one day laugh in places where you used to cry. Know that you can always change the story.

38. Failure and defeat are better judges of character than success.

39. Fighting ageing is a battle no one has ever won, and getting older is a privilege denied to so many. Look forwards, not backwards.

40. When in doubt, be bold, generous, loving and unafraid.

departed australia

Ten years ago, I took the biggest leap of faith of my life.

In the lead up, I was permanently anxious, trembling inside, terrified of it all going wrong.

But I chose to push through that discomfort, for underneath it all was a wise, calm voice that told me I simply had to do this.  And I trusted that voice.

I couldn't have told you why. There was only a knowing that I had to listen, I had to trust. I couldn't explain it. Sounds dramatic, I know - it felt dramatic at the time. I was reeling from the breakdown of my marriage the year before, feeling restless and shaky-footed in Melbourne, like a baby giraffe learning to walk. Every step towards this dream felt so freaking hard. 

But healing is hard. Change is hard. Finding out who you really are is hard. Moving away from the familiar and into the unknown, alone, is hard. 

It didn't feel particularly brave at the time - it felt exhilarating, terrifying and a little bit reckless. I didn't know what I'd find on the other side. 

But I had to depart so I could arrive.

Whatever your dream, I hope you find a way to face your fears and make it happen. It's so very, very worth it.