heavy in my mind like a ripe pear

“As for my next book, I won’t write it till it has grown heavy in my mind like a ripe pear; pendant, gravid, asking to be cut or it will fall.” - Virginia Woolf

My PhD novel has been growing heavy in my mind for nearly 20 years.

Its shape has shifted, then shifted again. Then again. And then again once more.

I think it’s ready, asking, to be cut now. But if instead it falls from the branch it has clung to for all these years, I hope it lands in a pile of soft dry grass, where it will be safe from the hungry parrots who have been feasting on fruit still on the trees. Where it isn’t left too long to be picked up, still fine to eat, with perhaps only a tiny bruise or two from the fall to be cut away.

Worse case scenario, maybe it will be scooped up with all the other windfalls and be made into a lovely crumble.

I lit my first fire in the house last week. Picked figs, rhubarb, runner beans, iron-rich greens so dark they are almost ink-black. Made yoghurt. Failed at making yoghurt. Wrote and wrote, deleted, despaired, then wrote again.

The pear will be cut, or it will fall.

an uphill finish

I felt like doing a vlog in my office today. I’m trying to be more spontaneous and less self-conscious and perfectionist about what I post on here, so instead of doing my usual thing of leaving it on my phone and never sharing it, I thought I’d be brave instead. Brave is my word for 2024, after all.

Enjoy!

• video transcript

  Hello, and welcome to my office! Here’s my inspiration wall behind me. I just feel like doing a video today just to break my brain out of its creative rut. Do you like my T-shirt? (laughs) Mario Kart is my favourite way to unwind at the moment in between all of this PhD-related overwhelm.

  I just wanted to record, for posterity more than anything, because I just had a very insightful conversation with my wonderful husband who just gets all of the ups and downs of this journey. I am in the final months of my PhD and it's been a long, long couple of years bringing this project to its conclusion and I thought I was just about there with it. I thought, you know, to apply my oft-repeated marathon metaphor because it's the closest experience that I've had in my life that even comes close to what the PhD has been like, so to just milk that metaphor a little bit more, I thought I was going to have a downhill finish to this race. It was certainly looking that way.

  And then a few weeks ago, it was suggested to me that perhaps I needed to change a few things, a few fundamental things, about my thesis. And they are exciting changes that overall will improve the argument and strengthen it and just make the whole thing work a bit better, which is obviously something I'm very keen to do. But it will involve quite a bit more work at almost literally the 11th hour. And so it looks like I'm going to have an uphill finish to this marathon rather than a downhill one.

  And when Tom said that, all of a sudden I could understand why I was feeling so exhausted! Because I have run the intellectual equivalent of 24 miles and I was ready for an easy finish. But instead, the last two miles are going to be uphill all the way.

  And that is life, sometimes. Sometimes we get an uphill finish when we'd rather have a downhill one. But if you've trained, and if you stay strong ,you can get through it.

  So, wish me luck as I proceed…uphill!

tomatoes and third drafts

When I think about the current state of my novel (is it even a novel anymore? That’s a question for another day!), these words of Henry Miller spring to mind:

“I had to grow foul with knowledge, realise the futility of everything, smash everything, grow desperate, then humble, then sponge myself off the slate, as it were, in order to recover my authenticity. I had to arrive at the brink and then take a leap in the dark.”

Meanwhile, it’s now the start of autumn in Tasmania, which means tomatoes are ripe and plentiful. My parents came round today with a crate for me - they drove to a pick-your-own-farm half an hour out of the city where these beauties were a steal at $2 a kilogram.

I washed and chopped several kilograms of them and was reassured that, even though my mind is a constant whirl of what the fuck am I doing with this novel or whatever it’s turned into and how is this ever going to work, if I put tomatoes, onions, garlic, thyme, oregano, basil, wine and stock in a slow cooker, put it on high for four hours and walk away, I will come back and it will have turned into a thick, rich and delicious sauce. There is also now an open bottle of wine.

writer at work

Last year, I was the grateful recipient of a Residential Fellowship at the Katharine Susannah Prichard Writer's Centre in Perth, Western Australia. I spent two weeks there last August working on my PhD novel. You can read all about my experience here. You will see I still enjoy using the marathon as a metaphor all these years later. But, I argue, it is most apt. In the months that have elapsed since my return the parallels between the two experiences have amplified. I am definitely at the point in the race where it is, as writer Fiona Kelly McGregor put it in A Novel Idea, “a matter of stamina, of technicalities, and of getting the job done.”

Also, Perth in August is lovely! Balmy warm days, expansive skies and an awesome annual secondhand charity book sale that frankly would be worth flying back for each winter, providing one brought an empty suitcase…which I did not.

'We are in an attention crisis': interview on ABC Radio Hobart

Photo by Tom Schoon

Today I was invited on to ABC Radio Hobart to speak with Leon Compton about quitting social media and how it’s going, 18 months later and counting!

Elon Musk couldn’t have timed his “rebrand” of Twitter better if he’d tried. I was horrified (though unsurprised) at the idea of him “cutting the Twitter logo off the building with blowtorches” (first of all, you don’t cut with a blowtorch, you… burn!). Honestly, could the man be any more of a cartoon villain? Every time there is yet another drama at Musk HQ or the Zuckerverse, I feel like I had a lucky escape.

It’s always fun to visit the ABC and I really enjoyed talking to Leon. We talked a lot about the impact of my decision to quit social media on my writing and creativity, which was great fun! Faithful readers, it won’t be anything you haven’t heard me say before but if you’re curious, check out the recording!

I’ve also written several blog posts, and an article that was published in The Guardian in May 2023, about the journey I’ve had quitting social media:

• How it started as an experiment

• How it was going, four months in

• Six months off social media

• “In the year since I quit social media, my screen time has fallen, my mood is up - even my resting heart rate is lower - my Guardian article

• 15 months later, and the response to my Guardian article