If you don’t own it - your life, your past, your story - it will own you.
The messiest times in life are often, looking back, the most interesting and nearly always a source of growth. Hold your nerve, stay the course. Trust it will all work out.
A life filled with magic, adventure and fun does not just happen. You have to make the choice to cultivate those things in your life, every single day.
Playing small doesn’t serve you, only the people around you who want you to stay that way.
“See what happens” is not a cop-out, it’s a way of taking the pressure off. Letting things evolve naturally is a lesson in grace and patience.
You can't change anyone. People only change because they want to and there’s got to be something in it for them to do it.
We all have a choice in how we want to live - the trick is to make conscious choices rather than unconscious ones.
Tables always turn.
It is possible to be strong and fragile at the same time. Both are courageous.
Change is what it is. It’s all about how you negotiate it.
Anyone who believes gossip and lies about you before hearing your side of the story was already looking for a reason to be against you. Let them go.
Protect your mental health and inner peace by any means necessary. You never have to apologise for protecting yourself.
Old ways will rarely open new doors.
Perspective is everything (thank you Sandi Sieger).
Your passions are not accidents. They are the clues to where you will find meaning in life. Embrace them. Follow them.
Three things always come out - the sun, the moon, and the truth.
You have to go out on a limb in life, because that’s where the fruit is. Corny but true!
There are many universal needs that human beings have - one of them is to feel appreciated. Showing gratitude, for others and for life, as often as you can is an instant mood lifter.
Love will never feel like love unless you also love yourself.
Comparison is the quickest route to despair.
No is a complete sentence. And you can say it - just do it politely and fast.
Most people deserve a second chance. But no one deserves a third (see point 12).
Likes and follows are empty calories that never satisfy. Find what really feeds you instead.
There is no shinier, more successful, more likeable, more accomplished, more together you waiting in the future. You are only you, now. You are only ever here. Accepting that will make life so much easier, and sweeter.
Confidence doesn’t come from achievements, it comes when you decide to have it. Confidence is a choice.
So is self-pity.
You are the only one who can give yourself what you’re seeking from others.
When change comes, it’s likely that opportunity will also knock at the door. Keep an ear out.
Nothing is forever - pain or joy.
Boundaries will protect you, and allow you to love and give more freely. Without them, you will be constantly resentful and disappointed.
It’s amazing what can happen when you drop all your expectations and attachment to an outcome.
Continuing to choose joy in the face of adversity is an act of courage and resistance (thank you Holly Ringland).
Meanings of words change all the time. “Success” is probably the most mercurial. You do not have to hold yourself hostage to past definitions if they no longer serve you.
You can endure a lot more than you think you can.
If it makes you happy, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.
Slow progress is still progress.
It is possible to one day laugh in places where you used to cry. Know that you can always change the story.
Failure and defeat are better judges of character than success.
Fighting ageing is a battle no one has ever won, and getting older is a privilege denied to so many. Look forwards, not backwards.
When in doubt, be bold, generous, loving and unafraid.
how wonderfully precious this one life is
“When you take the time to draw on your listening-imagination, you will begin to hear this gentle voice at the heart of your life. It is deeper and surer than all the other voices of disappointment, unease, self-criticism and bleakness.
All holiness is about learning to hear the voice of your own soul. It is always there and the more deeply you learn to listen, the greater surprises and discoveries that will unfold.
To enter into the gentleness of your own soul changes the tone and quality of your life.
Your life is no longer consumed by hunger for the next event, experience or achievement.
You learn to come down from the treadmill and walk on the earth.
You gain a new respect for yourself and others and you learn to see how wonderfully precious this one life is.
You begin to see through the enchanting veils of illusion that you had taken for reality.
You no longer squander yourself on things and situations that deplete your essence.
You know now that your true source is not outside you.
Your soul is your true source and a new energy and passion awakens in you.”
- John O’Donohue, Irish poet and philosopher (excerpt from his book Divine Beauty)
words help me to be in the world
Photo of Laurie Anderson by Clifford Ross, via BOMB Magazine
I listen to the radio most days. Today on BBC Radio 6, I listened to Laurie Anderson interviewed. Her voice had a lovely calm quality, listening to her was like hearing a bedtime story read to you when you were a child, but some things she said made me jolt to attention and reach for my notebook to scribble them down.
She said that life can be so intense and overwhelming, for many of us, and we often aren't sure of the right thing to do, so she and her late husband Lou Reed came up with three rules to live by. I loved them and thought I'd share them as you might love them too.
Don't be afraid of anybody.
"What would your life be like if you were afraid of no one?" Laurie asked the airwaves. It's quite a sobering thought.
There has only been one time in my life where I can honestly say that I steamrolled over fear and didn't let it stop me doing anything. It was a brief, golden time when I was 25 and 26, in the immediate aftermath of the end of my first marriage. That period certainly had its dark times, but the fear that had so defined my life up to that point was suddenly on mute because I no longer felt I had anything to lose. I no longer 'over thought' anything. I just did things and didn't really consider what anyone else might think. It was wonderful. And so freeing.
Get a really good bullshit detector. And learn how to use it.
This is something for me to work on. I need to trust my gut more and be less afraid of making it known that something doesn't sit right with me. I need to switch the discs on my cerebral mixing deck and stop overthinking everything. If I overthink, my bullshit detector's batteries get low.
Be really tender.
I love this one. It's a nice antidote to the harshness of everyday life. I want to apply it to my art too. Hannah Kent told me that one of the best things you can have as a novelist (and as a human being) is empathy. I've been absorbing myself in research for what I hope will be my next book and the characters are slowly making themselves known to me as the notebook I started just as a place to scrawl the occasional line is nearly half full already. The challenge for me with this work is exploring the worlds and inhabiting the minds of women who are so different to me, who are going to make choices that I don't think I could. So I'm keeping 'tenderness' in mind as I read, scrawl and get to know these people.
I think I need tenderness for myself too. It's very tempting to keep pushing myself, make life centre around "the next Big Thing" but, again and again, being present and in the now is what frees me, unplugs me and helps me move forward. The minute I stop all the pushing, all the pressure, is always when all the good stuff happens. Patience, and tenderness.
"Words helped us both, a lot, to be in the world," said Laurie towards the end of her lovely interview.
Me too, Laurie. Me too.