health

this week

Daphne, one of my favourite smells, and prolific at this time of year. I brought some to my office so I could smell it all day while I’m writing.

I know I say this nearly every week but I’m not entirely sure where this week has gone.

But this week I know why - because I have been putting my head down to make some serious headway on my novel. My supervisors would like to see a full draft by the end of August and so on Monday I printed out the current draft as it stands, all 370 pages of it, and have been lost in that world ever since. Hours pass and I barely move, apart from my fingers on the keyboard.

It has reminded me a lot of when I was writing The Latte Years with a short deadline, around a full time job and everything else that life in London entailed. Days became weeks very quickly.

I’ve decided for the next few weeks, while I’m ensconced in my work, that my This Week posts will be written and published on a Sunday instead of Friday (which frankly has usually meant Saturday!). That takes the pressure off considerably and allows me to devote writing time during the week to the PhD, which is absolutely where it needs to be spent.

It also means that my This Week posts might not be all that exciting for the next little while - if all I’m doing is writing, sleeping, eating and exercising, there might not be much to report! But I’m a firm believer that it’s the little details that are worth paying attention to in life, where we might see interesting patterns, and where we might learn a lot about ourselves.

Favourite experience/s of the week

I loved making some serious headway on my draft. I found myself waking in the mornings, itching to get back to it. I am delighted and frankly relieved that I’ve hit this point with it - it has been a hard slog over the past two years, where research has been so much easier than trying to enter this world with my imagination. I knew I had only got to know these people superficially - I had shaken their hands and nodded politely at them across the room, not sat beside them at a campfire or, God forbid, kicked down their bedroom doors (as the wonderful Morag Joss once instructed me to do). I had a wonderful video chat with a dear friend in London who is also a theatre director, so she is well-versed in making characters come alive. We workshopped a few ideas together and she really encouraged me to step up and take ownership of my subject as a character - I have to invent, because the historical record is so sparse.

Things I was grateful for this week

Is it lame to say my husband? He went out to get some groceries while I was working at home and I heard him come back, shuffling at the front door with the keys and bags. I hopped up and opened the door for him, and he was standing there with a huge bouquet of tulips in his arms. He never misses an opportunity to show me he’s proud of me. I’m so deeply grateful for how supportive he is.

Tea and a pile of library books. Two of my favourite things.

Reading

Honestly? 99 per cent of my reading this week has been PhD stuff. My notebooks, flicking through them looking for things I know I wrote down months ago in a flash of inspiration, or for obscure references that I thought would come in handy. Wonderful books lent to me by my supervisors, poetic deconstruction and interpretation of sparse archives. Combing through JSTOR for papers on fictive memoir and metaphorical mapping in Margaret Atwood’s Alias Grace. There hasn’t been a dull moment!

But I also like to read for pleasure as well, where I can! I got myself a pile of library books yesterday and brought them back to an empty, silent house. I put Ludovico Einaudi on the stereo, brewed a cup of tea and dove into the pile. My happy place.

I’ve already read Breathing Space which is a wonderful collection of poetry, essays, art and short fiction from Tasmanian writers and artists about our changing relationship with this state’s landscape. I adored it. And I know a few of the contributors, which is always special.

Listening to

The First Time: Masters Series - Tony Birch. I had of course heard of Tony and read his writing, but I had never listened to an interview with him before and I was spellbound. He really emphasised the importance of getting into a good working routine for your writing - whatever works for you - and I also appreciated what he said about rejection. I was still feeling sad about one I’d had the week before and his words were really bolstering - and to know that even a writer of his stature still gets turned down was very comforting!

WILD with Sarah Wilson: Ask Me Anything with Melissa Hemsley - fabulous episode, full of Sarah’s usual thoughtfulness and proactive take on life. I must admit I had been feeling a bit despairing over the climate crisis of late and listening to this made me feel hopeful again.

We Can Do Hard Things with Glenn Doyle - OMG, how had I not discovered this podcast until now?! (answer - most likely because I have not been on social media since January). Thank goodness for my walking commute! I have saved so many episodes to listen to but this week I managed both Cheryl Strayed episodes, both Liz Gilbert episodes, and the Reese Witherspoon episode. They were all fabulous and just such great reminders of how important it is to be resilient, courageous and make the contribution that you are here to make.

Best Friend Therapy: Toxic Friendships - how do we define friendship? What makes a friendship toxic? What can we do about it? - I’ve already listened to this twice so that probably tells you how deeply relatable I found this episode. I particularly appreciated their definition of friendship which was thinking of the other person with goodwill, wanting the best for them (even if it means you don’t get what you want from them) and always making generous assumptions. Life is a lot easier when you have generous assumptions! There tends to be less drama too.

Thursday’s tofu fried rice - always a favourite!

Eating

The week’s eats were:

Saturday: Pizza night with family

Sunday: I did a big cook up and made our winter favourite Pip casserole (vegan version obvs!) and Rachel Ama’s Jerk-spiced Lentils, both of which kept us going through the week! We had the casserole with chunks of homemade bread.

Monday: Jerk-spiced Lentils with coconut rice and flatbread. Seriously, every recipe of Rachel Ama’s that I’ve tried has been incredible and this was no exception. If you’re a vegan you need to get her books immediately!

Tuesday: Casserole with flatbread

Wednesday: Jerk-spiced lentils with pasta (it made a delicious pasta sauce!)

Thursday: Tofu fried rice (using leftover rice from Monday)

Friday: Sweet potato and coconut soup (loosely followed this recipe) with bread

Saturday: Nigella’s puttanesca, veganised (use 2 tablespoons of miso paste instead of anchovies) and with shredded chard from the garden added.

The bread machine has been getting a workout (it’s a wonderful enticement to get up with my alarm, as I time it to be finished at the same time. Whatever works!), I made another loaf of banana bread, and also an ill-fated tray of granola which was gutting. I prepared it so lovingly - coconut oil, vanilla and organic honey I wanted to use up melted down, stirred through nuts, almond meal, seeds and coconut into clustered sweetness - only for it to burn in the too-hot oven. The place smelled of honey, coconut and vanilla for days, the promise of what could have been hanging in the air! Sad face. I managed to salvage about half a cup of dark brown on the cusp of burnt granola, and it was pretty nice. Sigh. I will be much more careful next time and watch it like a hawk!

Watching

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (4K Blu-Ray - Tom was keen I make the distinction, haha!) - I quite enjoyed this! The highlight was realising that one of the shady guys was Cecil the choirmaster from the Vicar of Dibley, haha!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (iTunes) - apart from Sisters (which I may need to give another chance), I love everything Tina Fey is in and this was no exception. The year is 2003 and a news writer (Fey) stuck in a rut decides to chuck in her comfortable but depressingly mundane life, and volunteers to report from the frontline of the war in Afghanistan. Unsurprisingly, her life is utterly transformed (to put it mildly) by the experience. Admittedly a certain amount of suspension of disbelief is required when watching Anglo actors play locals but overall I found the heart of this film to be in pretty much the right place. It’s well shot, well paced and also, despite its serious subject matter, very funny in places.

Quote of the week

At the library yesterday I picked up a book I’ve read before - The Writing Life by Annie Dillard - and at random it fell open at this page when I picked it up.

“Aim for the chopping block. If you aim for the wood, you will have nothing. Aim past the wood, aim through the wood; aim for the chopping block.” - Annie Dillard

I think of this as encouragement to see the bigger picture, widening one’s perspective rather than being focused too narrowly on the wood itself - the finished work, the published book, and how it is received. Don’t worry about doing it perfectly. Focus on the act of writing itself, the chopping block.

If you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything else, with me, please do! I hope you’re staying safe and well, wherever you are xx

this week

Blossom watch has started….

We’re at that time of year where the mornings are getting (slightly) lighter and we’re no longer under a cloak of darkness at 4:45pm; where you can see bright jonquils springing up in gardens and the beginnings of blossom on the trees. There’s still frost on the cars in the mornings, the air is still bitingly cold, and I can’t see myself wearing a dress without tights any time soon, but we have entered that stage in the season where everything is waking up, the wheel is turning and soon there will be barbecues, bare arms and beach swims after work again. I’m looking forward to summer. Winter has felt especially long this year, even after spending some of it in the UK. A weird feeling, but then it’s been a pretty weird year.

Favourite experience/s of the week

A book was sent to me to review and it must have been sent from the future because it was (mistakenly) addressed to “Dr Philippa Moore” which made me laugh but also filled me with utter delight. That’s still at least two and a half years away but nice to think it might have already happened in a parallel universe!

Browsing a bookstore looking for a gift for a friend while it poured with rain outside and acoustic Missy Higgins was playing on the stereo.

A walk at dusk with Tom where we encountered many friendly wallabies. Some fellow walkers also enjoying the area after dark mentioned that tawny frogmouths (a bit like owls) can be seen on occasion!

Hearing that a surprise I sent a friend in New Zealand made it there!

A lovely chat with my dear friend in London, seeing her sitting in her garden with the sun beating down, and finding it so bizarre that I was sitting in the exact same place just two months ago!

Solitude as I worked in my office at uni, which smells of old library books and chai. Two of my favourite smells.

Having dinner with my sister and my nephew, who is a sweet and caring young man who I am really enjoying getting to know better.

Things I was grateful for this week

A few clear sunny days in a row, in which to hang washing out and get it dry. Ah, the things you get excited about in your forties!

Encouragement, support and always useful feedback from my PhD supervisors, which led to a productive week.

The abundance of my tiny garden, even in winter, with chard, spinach and thick celery picked fresh for nearly every meal.

When the little stings come, being able to absorb the wisdom of other writers who have been there. And having a husband who also gives the best hugs.

A healthy body that can walk and run and take just about anything I throw at it. But, as Neil Young put it, “I’m gettin’ old” so eye tests have also been booked. On that note, I’m also grateful to live in a country with public healthcare where eye tests are still bulk-billed.

Also grateful to science and the caring medical professionals who gave Tom and I our second covid boosters today - our fourth jab in total. Vaxxed to the max!

A few poetry collections I’m savouring at the moment.

Reading

Poetry. Mountains of it. I can’t get enough. The picture shows a few of the collections I’m working my way through (most of them purchased from Foyles in London). I also have the collected works of Philip Larkin, Adrienne Rich and Judith Wright which I’ve been dipping in and out of. Online, my discoveries of the week were Felicity Plunkett’s “What the Sea Remembers” and Anne Sexton’s “Her Kind”. Nikki Gemmell once said that poetry is her tuning fork when she writes fiction, and it is mine too.

The Conversation: A Brief History of Curry in Australia by my colleague Dr Frieda Moran (curried wombat was once a thing, apparently!)

Lithub: The Childfree Effigy: On Network’s Diana and the Tropes that Betray Women. A brilliant essay on how the image of a childfree woman has been controlled in Hollywood over the past five or so decades. “Were it women directing 85 percent of Hollywood films today, how might that change the global perception of power, and even power itself?” So much yes in this article!

The Guardian: Greta Gerwig films - ranked! Greta is one of my favourite directors (if not my favourite….though Jane Campion has held top spot for a long time) and I enjoyed this ranking of all her films, that she’s directed, written or acted in. I disagree with Greenberg being number one though! Ladybird or Little Women should have grabbed that spot. Thoughts, fellow Greta fans?

Sydney Review of Books: Taking our Time - a very interesting essay about how academic work has both intensified and been increasingly devalued over the last few decades, and hence how time is measured in relation to academic workloads, as well as freedom to pursue research and thought without (too much) restraint or control, has changed. Lots of food for thought.

Listening to

After hearing an unfamiliar song of hers in the bookshop, I’ve been listening to everything Missy Higgins has recorded since 2012. Her latest EP Total Control is fabulous. “Watch Out” is my favourite track.

Michael Kiwanuka - so fantastic. I particularly love “Piano Joint (This Kind Of Love)” and the Claptone remix of “You Ain’t The Problem”. That’s been a particularly reassuring song for the last year or so!

Fable released a new album, Shame, last week and Tom is a huge fan! We listened to it on repeat over the weekend and I really loved it. Powerful, intense and haunting, but so listenable.

But my most incredible listening experience of the week is in the Watching section….

Thursday’s tofu fried rice - always a favourite!

Eating

The week’s eats were as follows:

Saturday: Pasta bake

Sunday: Minestrone soup with homemade bread

Monday: Sweet potato and lentil curry (made with my homemade Sri Lankan curry powder) and rice

Tuesday: Linda McCartney’s Deep Dish Pie with mash, green beans and peas, which I made for my sister and nephew who joined us for dinner. They brought a warm vegan brownie for dessert, which was also scrumptious! No leftovers, unsurprisingly.

Wednesday: Minestrone soup with homemade bread (leftovers from Sunday)

Thursday: Tofu fried rice (using leftover rice from Monday)

Tonight: who knows?! Probably pasta. Maybe sweet potato mac and cheese (which I now make a vegan version of - and it’s so good!)

There have also been a lot of winter smoothies for breakfast. A winter smoothie is, quite simply, a smoothie made with a mixture of fresh winter fruits and dried fruits. A typical one for me and Tom is:

one large apple/one large pear/one large orange + one frozen banana + two Medjool dates + frozen or fresh spinach + ground flaxseed/LSA + maca powder + tahini/peanut butter + cinnamon + almond milk + a hefty scoop of porridge oats. All blended together. It tastes amazing! And gets lots of fibre and good things into you.

Admittedly, it’s not the most warming breakfast on a two degree morning when there’s frost on the cars outside (!) but always delicious! Add a side of Vegemite toast and that’s our WFH breakfast most days. Smoothies were something I really missed when we were couch-surfing/housesitting/staying with my parents when we first moved back here. No one seemed to have a blender!

Next week we have a few long work days in a row so this weekend will most likely involve a few cook-ups so there’s a tub of soup, curry or pasta sauce to simply reheat when we get in. I’m keen to try a few new things too so we’ll see what inspires me! I’m keen to make those cabbage rolls I made last week again, so let’s hope Hill Street Grocer has plenty of cabbages…

Watching

The most profound watching (and also listening) experience of my week was Kasey Chambers’ cover of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”. The original was a favourite running song of mine in years gone by but this is something else. I found myself in tears at this performance’s energy and power. There was something about this song being sung by a woman in her 40s, hair spilling down to her waist and a banjo in her hands, a song of melancholy, anger and hopelessness, and how it slowly built and built until it exploded into energy and power and…magic, for want of a better word. Seriously, just watch it. I have barely stopped thinking about it.

Tom and I also enjoyed a long overdue rewatch of a favourite film, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. This film is very special to us. We went to see it at the cinema in September 2010, a few days after we were married. My parents had left that day to return to Australia and we were feeling a bit blue, as we always were when Aussie family and friends departed after a visit, and in need of perking up, we decided to stroll up the King’s Road and go to the movies. The minute the film started, we knew we were going to love it - and we did! It was absolutely hilarious and still is, nearly twelve years later. I also recognised a lot of places in the movie from my trip to Toronto (where it’s set) which at the time had only been three years earlier (it has now been 15 years!!). On my trip I had paid a visit to the record store (Sonic Boom) and I so loved going to Second Cup for my signature beverage at the time (I’m sure you can guess). It’s just one of those movies that’s full of good memories and associations for us, and one I think we’ll probably watch once a year forever and never tire of. Do you have a movie like that?

Quote of the week

“I’m just going to write because I cannot help it.” - Charlotte Brontë. This is a card I bought at the Haworth Parsonage in Yorkshire in June, which I plan to have framed for my study at some point.

If you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything else, with me, please do! I hope you’re keeping safe, well and warm or cool, wherever you are xx

how I started running again

As most of you would know, I run for beer! :) 

As most of you would know, I run for beer! :) 

On Sunday I ran the RunThrough.co.uk Finsbury Park 10k race. It was -4 degrees, I ran with about four layers on, wasn't able to keep my no-toilet-break record, and stopped to walk twice, but I finished! And that was all I wanted.

It’s been a strange couple of years for me. Full of incredible highs, but equally full of lows. Stress, anxiety, grief, burnout…. they certainly make life less fun. They rob you of the ability to see the bigger picture. My wellbeing/self-care is always the first to suffer when I feel like that. But the desire to run, to keep up the kind of training I'd been doing, had completely left me, After years of running a half marathon every weekend, I was exhausted and needed a break.

That's not to say I've not gone running since then - but it's been jogs round the block when I could be bothered, really. But until Sunday I hadn't run a proper race since 2013. Sunday was my first 10k in all that time.

I started running again last year. Once a week, with a group at work. I was in a very apathetic place, very much with a can't-be-fucked-what's-the-point mindset, but figured once a week was better than nothing. Most weeks I managed between 4 and 5k on those runs. It wasn’t a marathon, but, as I say, better than nothing.

I spent so much of last year feeling utterly drained, unable to move forward. Spending such a long time in the company of your past takes a real toll on your sense of self, I discovered. I spent a lot of last year wondering who the hell I was any more. Things that used to be so easy for me were suddenly REALLY BIG THINGS. Like going to parties where I didn’t know anyone. Like writing. Like running. Those things used to excite me, give me energy. But now I NEEDED energy to do them. It was exhausting, frustrating and left me in a bit of a heap.

2017 is only 26 days old but I’ve already bought new running shoes, done two park runs, my standard run with my work running group is now 6k and now I’ve done my first 10k race in nearly 4 years.

Six years ago, almost to the day, I had just started training for the London marathon. I was doing 10ks before breakfast. So you might think it’s a bit disheartening to only be doing 5ks and 10ks considering how fit I used to be. But it’s really not. I feel so happy, so grateful, to be running again I don't care about the distances. I just want to run. It's part of who I am. Something I didn't realise until I wasn't doing it any more.

My life has been a series of ebbs and flows, ups and downs. You can’t have one without the other. The story I shared in The Latte Years keeps going. I’m not the same person who went through all those highs and lows in the book – I’m not even the same person who wrote it, a mere two years ago. I’m a work in progress, always. I’m (still) learning that when life gets a bit much, as it does for all of us, not to let go of the things that take a bit more effort than sitting on the couch with Netflix and crisps, because it's those things that truly light me up from the inside.

Returning to running - not just a jog here and there when I could be bothered - has been marvellous. Not just the joy of being physically active and pushing my body beyond its comfort zone, but I’m remembering how to be my own cheerleader. I’m remembering how important it is just to show up and give it a go - you don't have to be the best, just do YOUR best. How important it is to just run your own race and not worry about what other people are doing, how much further ahead they may or may not be. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my good health, for the ability to run at all. I have been reminded that negative thinking, in running and in life, is a luxury I simply cannot afford.

Most of all, thanks to running, I feel more like myself than I have felt in a very long time.

PS: I totally signed up for that 10k because of the medal. Isn't it beautiful?

philippamoorerunthroughuk10kfinsburyparkmedal

before, after and now

I could have written a post about "this time 10 years ago" but I think you all know that story by now. 

I could have written a post featuring some old pictures of me, and pictures of me now, but while I'm proud that 10 years later I'm still a healthy size, what I've tried so hard to do with my book, and with my mindset in general, is resist getting stuck in 'before and after' thinking. Reaching goal is never the end of the story, and the 'after' photo is actually just a moment in time. Holding on to it is rarely straightforward. Weight loss success stories are certainly very motivating to read, but I think it would be far more interesting to check in with them 10 years after their 'after' picture is taken and see how they're doing then.

And I'm also not going to write a post about 10 years of maintenance, because when I consider the stretch of time between 25 April 2006 as I stood on my set of scales in my bathroom in Melbourne and saw a number I longed to see staring back at me, and 25 April 2016 as I type this in my study in London, "maintenance" is the last word I'd use to describe this period in my life.

All the losses and gains in my life since that day in 2006 have had nothing to do with weight. Everything in my life has changed so how could I possibly expect to maintain anything? It was an effort to get out of bed some days (occasionally it still is!)

Merely a few weeks after that scale victory, my life as I knew it fell apart. But thanks to having reached that goal, I had the courage to walk away from the wreckage and I knew that I could survive. Thanks to the highs, lows and plateaus of the previous year of point counting and weigh-ins, I knew I had the strength to persevere when I hit rock bottom, crawled back up, and got smacked down again. It was almost as though that year had been preparing me for what came next.  

The greatest thing weight loss taught me was learning to believe in myself. I hadn't learned it when I was younger. Back then it was all about creating a life that looked good to the outside world rather than anything that felt true and aligned with who I really was. I designed my life with fear, anxiety and self-loathing as my architects.

Weight loss helped me kick those bastards off the job, and compassion, courage and self-respect took over the blueprints instead.

But while they're fabulous architects, they're not perfect employees either. Those three occasionally take leave when I least expect it - I wouldn't have you think for a minute that fear, anxiety and self-loathing have disappeared for good. They never did, and they never will. I've had to learn to deal with them when they show up in productive and conscious ways instead of going backwards, to the days when I let them run the show. I don't always succeed, but I can always turn the car around in time. If I've maintained anything over the past 10 years, I guess it's that. 

Weight loss happened to be a tool I used to wake myself up, to get off my arse (literally) and start taking control of my life. But I outgrew it long ago. I don't need to get on scales to see how in or out of control my life is. I just pay attention. Life being in balance is something I feel now, rather than measure. It's not a number. It's not a dress size. It's a feeling. If that feeling is off, I try to do something about it. If I'm feeling good, I keep doing what I'm doing, until that doesn't work anymore. What works right now might not work this time next year. That's cool. Despite being a bit of a control freak, I try to roll with things. I try to have high standards but low expectations.   

I have no idea whether 10 years later I am still at goal weight. But you know what? I don't care enough to find out. Because I'm healthy - physically and mentally - and I'm pretty happy with who I am. That's what matters to me.  That's what I'm proud of. I have fought for the life I have now, over and over, every step of the way. I've used every brick thrown at me to build the strongest foundation I possibly could.

So what I'm thinking about, and what I want to celebrate today, is that 10 years after reaching 'goal' not only am I still healthy, but I've kept moving forward. It was not weight loss I had to maintain, it was all the other changes. And naively I thought that would be easy. But everything keeps changing, all the time. Nothing ever stays the same. You can't hit the 'pause' button once you've reached a moment where you think you've got it all. You have to keep working hard, even though you already have.

10 years ago, I chose the road less travelled by. And I keep choosing it. No matter what. I could give practical weight loss tips about eating more greens and exercising more, but it's all ultimately useless if nothing changes inside of you, in your head and in your heart. You don't have to be motivated. You don't have to live by a set of rules. You just have to start caring about yourself and paying attention to your life.

Keep choosing to be your best self and live your best life, every day. That's the secret.  Stick to your path, even when the going gets tough. Don't retreat back to the smooth, safe highway. Stay the course. Keep choosing. Keep going. 

Here's to another 10 years of that.

****

To celebrate this little milestone of mine, I'm giving away a signed, personalised physical copy of The Latte Years which I will post to you, anywhere in the world. Just read the T&Cs and enter the Rafflecopter giveaway below! 

T&Cs:

  • One winner, one prize

  • No cash alternative

  • Open internationally

  • You can enter once a day until 12:00am (UK time) on 1 May 2016

  • The winner will be chosen completely at random by Rafflecopter on 1 May 2016

  • Once the winner is announced and notified via email, you have 24 hours to claim your prize or another winner will be chosen

  • PM will retain proof of postage but can't be held responsible for the vagaries of the postal system or the customs regulations/duties in your country.

 

Good luck and THANK YOU for all your love and support, particularly if you've been following along for the whole of these past 10 years. I am so incredibly grateful xx

PS: The digital versions of The Latte Years are still discounted until midnight Australian time today!