quitting social media: six months later

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Not sure what I’m on about? Read this post and this one.

So, as you know, at the start of January 2022, I decided to have a hiatus from social media. It has now been SIX MONTHS.

I truly don't miss it. I’ve only missed it when my FOMO is triggered, which to my great surprise is not as often as I was expecting. I think, if anything, social media was the biggest source of FOMO for me. I was constantly thinking about what I should be doing, with the lives and achievements of people I admired constantly on display. Not that that wasn’t motivating, of course, but it also made me feel very inadequate at times.

There are some great aspects to social media, don’t get me wrong. And there have certainly been some downsides to going cold turkey and disappearing. But, overall, trying to find joy, calm, peace and purpose in my life is so much easier without it.

I think what has really excited me about the whole experiment is how much of my time and energy has been restored. Since being off socials, I feel I have made some substantial progress with my PhD (not so much in word count but in terms of grappling with the ideas - which suggests I've had more capacity to think deeply and in a more focused way, interesting!), I've written and submitted a short story to a journal I've always wanted to write for, I've redesigned two websites, and my husband and I have launched a business! All things I'd wanted to do for ages but believed I needed more time for. Turns out I had the time, I just had to be smarter about how I was spending it.

I have my brain back, and my life back! That’s enough for me to continue on with the experiment indefinitely.

• VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

  Hi everyone. I just wanted to do a little video update for you all because last Sunday it was six months since I last used social media. Well, certainly the two channels I was most active on - Instagram and Twitter. I have not looked at either of those platforms for six months, which feels like something of an achievement in this day and age!

  I've had a lot of interest recently - a lot of people writing to me, saying that they have found my blog by Googling “how to quit social media” which is incredibly flattering. And also shows that my SEO is working! So I wanted to give you a little update to let you know how I was getting on and the changes that I've observed in myself in this time.

  I feel like I have my life back, if that makes sense. I know that might sound overdramatic, but I feel like my life is my own again and let me explain why. All of a sudden, I'm just living my life for me. I'm not taking endless photographs of everything in the hope that I can have a good one to put on social media later. I'm not trying to come up with quick, zingy thoughts that I can distil into two sentences and put on Twitter. I'm not following every public debate and discourse and trying to formulate an opinion as quickly as I can, or feeling like I even have to form an opinion on anything. All of a sudden, my life is just mine again and I'm not worried about what my life looks like to other people anymore. Even though I would have violently protested when I was using these platforms that that was a concern of mine, I think it was, subconsciously, because that's basically what you're doing with social media isn't it? You're saying to people “this is my life, this is what I get up to. What do you think?”

  I know it sounds weird, but I almost feel like my brain is different as well! I noticed this the other day when I was doing some work for my PhD. Even though this isn't necessarily reflected in the amount of words I have written this year, but I feel like my ability to think more clearly and deeply has been restored, as crazy as that sounds. I feel like I've really started grappling with what my thesis is actually about and I feel like I've been able to articulate and dive deeper and really grapple with the ideas. It could be just a coincidence. It could just be that this is the stage in candidature that I'm at, but I can't help but notice the coincidence that all of a sudden my ability to focus and think deeply and clearly is certainly sharper and stronger than it was six months ago. That is unquestionable.

  To be transparent with you, it's had its downsides as well, because I don't see what all my friends are up to anymore. I'm not as up to date with what's going on with them. Some friends have happily transferred over to text, and we keep in touch that way, and others haven't so it just takes a little bit more prodding. So, that's been interesting but OK because I realise I'm the outlier here. Like I say, it's certainly had some downsides because I don't find out things in real time anymore. I'm told about them later, well after they've occurred! Like I say, I'm not saying that there haven't been some downsides because they have but the positives have far outweighed any cons for me so I'm certainly going to stay off for the foreseeable future.

  I'm really enjoying writing on my blog again. I'm really enjoying hearing from readers and having real conversations with people - lots of very, very interesting ideas and questions and it's still very much an experiment. I'm not saying that I'll never go back on. I probably will at some point, just out of sheer curiosity! But it's almost now a bit like “how long can I stay away? Could I make it to a year without going on social media?!” Let's see. This is still an experiment. I'm very curious and very open to seeing how everything transpires but…I'm enjoying life without it. So I'll keep going but I'll keep sharing what I'm up to on here and I'm really grateful to everyone who's cottoned on that this is where I'm at and is joining the party. It's great to have you here and I will share another update soon. Take care of yourselves, bye for now!

Would you like to share your thoughts on this post with me? Please do - I’d love to hear from you!

quitting social media: a video diary

Image source

Not sure what I’m on about? Read this post.

So, as you know, at the start of January 2022, I decided to have a hiatus from social media. It has now been four months.

And you know what? I think I’m going to stay away, certainly for the foreseeable future.

I miss it sometimes, but I don’t miss it enough. I prefer life this way. Quieter, more reflective, less performative. More time to write and blog, more time to think. I’m learning French. I’m sewing. I’m exercising more and reading more. Despite a few destabilising events of late, I still feel mentally strong and calmer than I can ever remember being in my adult life. If anything, being away from social media has helped me cope better with some recent events.

I miss connecting with people but, on reflection, I don’t know how much of it was true connection. Several people who I thought would notice my lack of activity have not. But I’ve been very humbled by the people who have reached out and let me know they’re enjoying the fact I’ve been blogging regularly again.

Admittedly, I occasionally have moments where my busy-body gene goes into overdrive and I feel a huge compulsion to just KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS UP TO but somehow (perhaps thanks to a daily meditation practice) I’ve managed to observe myself in these moments and become very curious about why.

Why do I need to see what people are up to? Is it healthy/helpful/necessary to know so much about other peoples’ lives, often people we have never even met? We know everything online is curated and edited to varying degrees, and that we're only seeing what people want us to see. With that in mind, is any of it real? And if the answer to that question is no, then why do we allow these platforms to drain our time, creative energy and self-esteem?

Frankly, I feel like a total rebel to have broken away! 

The video below is just a mish-mash of some video diaries I made in January and February, only a few days, weeks and then a month or so into my hiatus. I think you can even see the difference in me physically, and not just because I’d had a haircut by the last video! And don’t worry, I’ll be doing my video diaries in landscape mode from now on (cringe)!

• VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

  Day 8, 18 January 2022

  How does one do these things – vlogs? I'm much better at writing than I am saying what's on my mind and being articulate in the moment I think. However, this is day 8 of no social media for me. I feel so much calmer than I have for a very very long time. I feel like it's really nice that I don't know what other people are doing and they don't know what I'm doing! I feel free in a bizarre kind of way. I'm free in a way that I actually always have been, I just chose not to pay attention to that fact.

  Day 20, 30 January 2022

  Hello everyone. It's Sunday, it's about 8:30 in the evening. I've watered the garden, Tom is watering the back garden, we've eaten, and I have been off social media for 20 days and… I feel like a new person! I don't actually know if I want to go back on! So…stay tuned!

  Day 42, 21 February 2022

  Hello everyone. It's the 21st of February which means I have been off social media for 42 days.

  The benefits have been amazing. So amazing that I'm really considering never going back! But maybe going back to tell people that I'm not on there anymore because I didn't actually announce that I was taking a hiatus. I just put everything in a different area of my phone where I couldn't access it easily and then have quite impressed myself with my willpower and just not opened the apps for 42 days. Since the 10th of January.

  Interacting with people and connecting with people is still very, very important to me. It's the main reason I started blogging in the first place, because I wanted to be part of something and I wanted to join the conversations that were happening and I wanted to connect with people and help people feel less alone on the journey that they were on.

  And I still feel like that – but I feel like I can do it the way I used to do it. I started blogging with no idea what I was doing and no intention of growing a global audience or a brand or a following but that's exactly what ended up happening just purely organically and by accident. And I did all of it without social media! I really feel like blogging is going to have a renaissance and I want to get on that train before it leaves the station.

  So yeah, I'm not really sure what's going to happen next. All I know is that I'm enjoying this experiment greatly and I really hope whatever happens that you'll come along for the ride because I'm not going anywhere! I think that the world is changing and the world is waking up.

  Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I send lots of love and I hope you're all well. Stay tuned! Thanks for listening.

Would you like to share your thoughts on this post with me? Please do - I’d love to hear from you!

quitting social media: an experiment

At the start of January 2022, I decided to have a somewhat permanent break from social media.

I didn't announce it nor did I particularly plan it ahead of time - it was a combination of the lingering effects of some stressful events at the end of 2021 to top off what had not been a vintage year anyway; and despair at what felt like a maelstrom of anger and fear everywhere I looked online around the time of the omicron surge in Australia. For my mental health, I knew something needed to change.

I was also increasingly dissatisfied with how many hours I knew I was losing to basically what is the psyche's equivalent of the pokies.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are some great aspects to social media. It’s not a bad thing in itself. But what many of us don’t appreciate is that the companies who own the platforms (Facebook/Meta/Zuckerverse, etc) designed them deliberately to be as addictive as possible. Therefore, trying to get some semblance of balance in your usage of social media is so much harder than you’d think.

So, I disappeared. Cold turkey.

Has anyone noticed? I have no idea! But what I have noticed is an incredible difference in my mental health, my stress levels, my equilibrium, my energy, and my creativity. It might be a combination of other changes I’ve made (more about those later) but I can’t recall ever feeling this clear-headed in my entire adult life.

Connection with others is what fuels me. And I value the connections I’ve made on social media over the years very much. But many of them have been taken offline - I now have two penpals who live in Melbourne, both of whom I follow on socials, but during the lockdowns we started writing letters to each other, which we’ve continued. As a result I know far more about what is really going on in their lives than what they choose to share publicly on their grids - and likewise they know far more about what’s really going on with me. That is real connection. That is what I want more of.

The video below (please forgive the portrait mode it was shot in, I know it should be landscape!) is a little stream-of-consciousness ramble I recorded three weeks into my break. Another month has passed since I recorded this and I still feel no real need to return. I am missing the connection and interaction with others but I know with a bit of effort this can be sourced elsewhere. And I think more and more people are catching on. Perhaps blogging is about to have a big renaissance.

Stay tuned. This is an interesting, and exciting, experiment. 

• VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

  Hello everyone! It’s the thirty-first of January, which means I have been off social media for three weeks today. And, as I've alluded to in previous videos, I've been so surprised by the fact that I haven't missed it at all.

  I feel calmer, I feel less panicked, I feel less anxiety, I don't feel as angry or tense or on edge. I don't feel like my attention or focus is compromised. I feel clearer in the head and more alert. I've been able to choose where my energy goes and that's incredibly empowering.

  I really thought that I had a handle on my social media habits. I really thought that I chose when I looked at these various platforms, that I chose the time of day or the period of time that I allowed myself to have a look but I really didn't appreciate how many hours each day I was clocking up, refreshing and losing time when there wasn't really anything new to see and, more to the point, there wasn't anything new for me to say or share! It was just very basic stuff that I'm not sure people are really all that interested in and it's not content I want to devote my precious time and creativity to. I want to use my creativity for my creative work and so to have this time back, this brain space back, feels like such a gift.

  And it was a gift I was able to give myself with basically no effort. All I had to do was make the decision. It's amazing what a transformation it has been.

  I didn't realise that the average social media user spends 2.5 hours a day on the various platforms – that’s 15-18 hours a week? That's a part time job! So when you think about it that way, that’s 15-18 hours a week that you could get a part time job, that you could use to learn an instrument, to train for a 10K, to write a novel, to build websites, to exercise, to start a garden, to spend time with your family - all of these things that we think we don't have the time to do, we actually do but it's making a choice to use your time consciously and to make conscious choices. That’s something that I have advocated publicly for a very long time, but it was always within the health and fitness context. I’m slowly appreciating that making conscious choices is something that effects every aspect of our lives - physical health, mental health, wellbeing, financial freedom, financial health, career, everything! We have far more choices than we think we do. We have more power than we think we do.

  I guess as I've gotten older, my life is just more and more about wanting to live in integrity and really wanting to live my values. Having had this little time out to figure out what those values are and articulate them for myself and know deep within what I want to stand for and how I want to spend my time and the difference I want to make…if everyone could have this kind of epiphany, I wonder what kind of world we’d live in.

  I'll leave it there for now. I don't know when I'm going to go back on these things. I don't know if I'll go back at all! We shall see. Thank you for listening.

Would you like to share your thoughts on this post with me? Please do - I’d love to hear from you!

when the bottle breaks

Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” - Andre Gide

I think we are getting a very clear message from the Universe that we need to get better at living in the moment.

When I started a daily meditation practice nearly three years ago, my aim was to get better at living in the present and meeting life on its own terms. To relinquish my need for control and simply be here now in my life instead of creating an identity out of stories, whether they were past dramas and traumas, or worries about a future that hadn’t happened yet.

I can’t say I’ve mastered it. I still get lost in drama and stories every now and then. But right now, with everything the world is facing, I am grateful for my meditation practice. For the past three years, I have been training my mind to accept every thought it has, including my deepest fears, and to listen to them with mindfulness and compassion.

And yet, until the recent pandemic crisis unfolded, I was still just as guilty as the next person of putting things off until X happens or when I’m fit enough to run a half-marathon again or when I’ve had my hair cut/brows waxed or whatever feeble excuse it might have been.

I still did this, despite having learned the lesson long ago that the present moment is all we have. A lesson which current circumstances are really hammering home.

Let me tell you a story.

A few years ago now, I was living in a tiny flat in the centre of London and I had a bottle of expensive body lotion on my dressing table. It was a Christmas gift and I'd been saving it - but for what, I'm not sure.  I would occasionally put a tiny daube of it on my hands when they felt dry and I wanted them to smell nice.  That's what I was doing one morning as I was about to leave the house for work, just picking up the bottle to put a tiny bit on my hands and be on my way. 

I must have squeezed the bottle too tightly because the next thing I knew, the bottle had broken, with jagged pieces of sharp plastic now sticking out of the thick lotion, and it had also sprayed lotion on to the floor and the wall. Just what you want when you’re running for a train, right?

Luckily, once I had wiped up the mess and got rid of the shards, I realised that if I lay the bottle on its side, with the broken side up, I could still use what was left of the lotion.  But it couldn’t be "saved" any more.  I would have to use it. So I did and, for the few weeks it lasted, I smelled lovely.

Why am I telling you this? you might ask. Because, like many epiphanies, it was a very small thing that held a much larger lesson.

Once my bottle was broken, that was it.  I couldn't save the body lotion for another day or once we move to the new house or whatever reason I wasn't allowing myself to just use it.  I had to use it now.  I had to just get on with it. The choice had been taken away from me. As it has with many far more basic everyday essentials, things we used to take for granted, now.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saving things for "best" or for a special treat. When you do indulgent things all the time, they stop becoming special and just become the norm.  So I think it's important to have a balance and definitely have some things that you do save for special times to add to that sense of occasion, and truly savour them when you do. 

But I'm not talking about buying a bottle of Pol Roger every weekend (though that would be amazing) and indulging in all kinds of extravagances as a distraction, although we all need those occasionally.  I’m also not talking about blowing your rent money on things you don’t need or can’t afford when you need to prioritise other things at this time.

What I'm talking about are the small things that you deny yourself, or put off, or only let yourself have when you’ve “earned” them, when actually those things would add so much joy and contentment to your life right now.

It could be a mug of that gorgeous, vanilla-scented loose leaf tea you love. The expensive shower gel that makes you think of ripe pears and spring flowers. New bath towels. Using the ‘good’ wine glasses, or the pretty dinner plates that your Mum gave you once a week, not just once a year.

It might not even be a thing. It could be allowing yourself to plant a garden. Get a puppy or a kitten. Learning to knit or play the piano.

Why, before everything changed, were you denying yourself these things? Why would you not have wanted to be the happiest and most fulfilled that you could possibly be? And are those reasons still valid now? It’s worth thinking about.

You never know when the choice is going to be taken away from you or when the illusion of control will be shattered. When you realise that even the ability to put something off for another time, an undefined moment in the future, was a privilege in itself.

When we save things for "later" or "for when X happens", we’re convincing ourselves that the future is going to be somehow better than what we're experiencing right now, in the present.  The truth is, the future is an illusion - it doesn't exist yet.  And the past is gone.  All we have is now.

So don’t put off your big dreams and your tiny joyful indulgences for another day, for a far off time where you envision you might be happier, more deserving, more accomplished, more worthy.

You are worthy of your dreams and your desires in life, right now. Just as you are.  

I realise that some things you want to do or treat yourself to may not be advisable or particularly do-able right now. You’re probably prioritising the basics like food and medicine and making sure your loved ones are OK over fancy hand cream, as I am.

But things won’t always be this way.

When all of this is over, I hope you will go and do all those things you’ve put off. And in the meantime, let yourself have the small moments of happiness and pleasure in your every day, whatever they might be for you. Don't wait until the bottle breaks. Or until you’re forced to stay at home.

Tell me, how are you going to look after yourself and live in the moment today?