yet to be written

I had every intention of starting 2020 with the old year reflected upon and released, and the new one all manifested and mapped out. But life (my life certainly) is never that neat.

To be honest, the last days of 2019 were just spent soaking up the company of my husband and our family; in the sunshine and the ocean; singing in the car as we drove to the beach; in my garden, watering and weeding; in my kitchen, cooking; reading, listening to music, chilling out and dreaming. Marvelling at how different our lives are compared to two years ago (or even one year ago) and the courage it took to make those changes. Feeling grateful for everything. All the opportunities, all the surprises, all the leaps and risks that paid off, and even the ones that didn’t.

My aim when I started a daily meditation practice was to be in the present more. To dwell less on the past. To not live so much in the future. I guess I got my wish!

But what I know for sure is that if you want to set a goal and make a change, you don’t have to wait for January 1st to do it. The power to transform your life is always inside you and you can access it any time you like.

So here’s to 2020 and all the waiting blank pages. I wonder what they will be filled with.

blueberry pancakes for one

For those mornings where it’s just you (or you’re the only one who feels like pancakes), this is the pancake recipe you need! It makes the perfect amount for one - three large pancakes, or five to six smaller ones if you feel like sharing.

You can use any berries you like, or other fruit (slices of banana are nice) or chocolate chips. I put a few halved pecans in with the blueberries on my last pancake when I made a batch, and that was rather tasty. You could even (gasp) leave them plain!

Blueberry pancakes for one

1 large egg
1 cup (250 g) self-raising flour
1 cup (250 ml) milk of your choice (I used almond)
A pinch of sea salt
A pinch of cinnamon or mixed spice (optional)
A few handfuls of fresh or frozen blueberries
Greek yoghurt and honey, to serve

I make the mixture in a large jug, which makes making the pancakes incredibly easy and less messy. As you’re only making enough pancakes for one, there will be plenty of room to whisk everything up. So grab yourself a large jug.

Crack in the egg and whisk briefly to combine the yolk and white. Add the flour, milk, salt and cinnamon (if using) and whisk everything together (I use a small sauce whisk but a fork should work just as well) until combined and smooth.

Get a small non-stick frying pan (I use a 24cm one from Kmart) and spray with cooking spray - you can, of course, put some flavourless oil or butter in, but I find spray works best for pancakes. Place the pan over medium-high heat to get the pan nice and hot. Test if it’s ready by running your fingers briefly under the tap and flicking it at the pan. If it sizzles, you’re ready to make pancakes.

Pour a third of the pancake mixture into the pan and distribute around slightly to get the size/thickness you want. Turn the heat down slightly, not super low but low-ish. Grab a handful of blueberries and scatter over the surface of the uncooked side of the pancake. Leave to cook for a few minutes, until you can see bubbles on the surface of the uncooked side. Sometimes it’s worth having a peek underneath to make sure the other side isn’t getting too brown. I find the trick of having a hot pan to start with but then reducing the heat once you’ve poured the mixture in is very helpful. Flip the pancake over and cook the other side. Press gently on the top to see if it’s cooked - if no raw mixture peeks through, you’re good!

I then place the cooked pancake on the plate I’m going to eat them on and put that in a low oven to keep warm while the rest of them cook.

Cook the remaining mixture as above.

Remove the plate from the oven and serve - I love to eat pancakes with Greek yoghurt and honey, which reminds me of a happy trip to Cyprus Tom and I made some years ago, for our sixth wedding anniversary. Next year is our tenth! Can you believe it?

Enjoy your pancakes, your coffee and your weekend. And if it isn’t the weekend yet, pancakes for breakfast always make you feel like it is.

are you going to behave today?

I was in a cafe today, with a new friend. We ordered our drinks - a chai for me, a peppermint tea for her. The server asked us breezily, “any of the sweets? Or are you going to behave today?”

Those words rang in my ears all day.

Not because I was angry. Or confused. Or sad. Maybe I was all those things. But I think I was more curious than anything. Why is that an acceptable thing to say? My friend didn’t even seem to notice the question. We just said no and continued our conversation. But if I had ordered a cake, would that have meant I was MIS-behaving?

It got me thinking about the belief system - that is so ingrained in our (white Western privileged) culture - that assigns moral value to food and food behaviour. Where some foods are “good” and others are “bad”. Where if you make a healthy choice you’re “being good”. Where if you’re slim it is assumed you have self control and if you’re overweight, you do not.

I have spent the past decade actively trying to free myself from that system.

And in the process, I have realised how much our (white Western privileged) society rewards people for conforming to the idea that you have to be slim to be successful and happy (I was one of them!) and shames and punishes those who don’t.

I have done a lot of untangling of the diet culture these past few years, and pondered my own role in it. While I know that I never actually said the words “losing weight is the answer to all your problems”, I can see why people thought I was because I didn’t have to. For a time, my very existence was a walking advertisement for the lie we are sold. Lose weight and hey presto, you’ll get to live the life you’ve always wanted! You’ll be popular, people will like you! Everything will be great!

And yes, that was my life, for a while. But like everything, it only appeared perfect on the surface, and it came with a price.

I know this all must sound strange coming from someone who started a weight loss blog 15 years ago and who revelled in the loose jeans, in getting to goal, in being admitted to that secret world where nothing tasted as good as being slim felt (which is bullshit - a fuck load of things taste that good!). It was only once I achieved it that I realised how dangerous it was.

Staying in that world depending on me following those rules. The confidence that came with the achievement was so incredibly flimsy, still so heavily reliant on external validation. All it would take was one card to be pulled out for the whole house to come falling down, which is exactly what happened.

But I’m now living beyond the after photo. The after photo was a golden time, and in many ways I’d have been happy if life could have carried on like that forever, because the highs were so high, so unforgettably wonderful. But the lows….well, if you’ve read The Latte Years, you’ll know all about those.

Nothing lasts. Change is the only constant in this crazy life. You cannot freeze time. I’d much rather be here, now, where I feel less concerned about what I look like and more about what kind of good I’m doing in the world and what sort of legacy I will leave behind.

A life where I know that eating a piece of cake is, in every sense of the word, good.

vegan chilli with chocolate and chia seeds

Chocolate and chia seeds? Do those things really belong in a savoury dish?

I am here to tell you they most certainly do!

As we’ve - still - been experiencing bone-chillingly cold nights here in Tassie, comforting and warming meals like chilli are still de rigeur in my household. To this one, I added a couple of squares of 90% dark chocolate (which adds an amazing depth of flavour) and, because there was too much liquid at the end of cooking for my liking, chia seeds. They soak up liquid like magic!! As a result this was probably the healthiest (and most delicious) bowl of chilli I’ve ever eaten.

And though the weather seems to be finally warming up, I won’t be disappointed if I have to make this again any time soon!

What follows is the combination of beans and lentils I used, but you can naturally use any you have to hand.

Vegan chilli with chocolate and chia seeds

1 large onion, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 red chilli, finely chopped
2 large carrots, finely chopped
1 bunch parsley stalks (or a few sticks of celery), finely chopped
1 x 400 g tin black beans, drained and rinsed
1 x 400 g tin kidney beans, drained and rinsed
2 teaspoons Pasillo chilli powder (or any other chilli powder you like - I also like Ancho chilli flakes)
3 teaspoons dried cumin
1 bay leaf
200 g red lentils
1 x 800 g tin whole plum tomatoes
2-3 tablespoons chipotle sauce
2-3 tablespoons tomato paste
2-3 teaspoons vegan “beef-style” stock powder made up with enough boiling water to cover
2-3 squares vegan dark chocolate (I use Lindt 90%)
4-5 tablespoons chia seeds, depending on thickness desired
Salt and pepper to taste
To serve: cooked brown basmati rice, finely sliced spring onions, pickled jalapenos, sharp grated cheddar, greek yoghurt (obviously adding the last two will make it vegetarian rather than vegan)

Heat a splash of olive oil in a large, flameproof casserole dish (I use my Le Creuset) over a medium to high heat and add the onion, garlic and chilli. Saute for a minute or two until soft and fragrant, then add the diced carrots and chopped parsley stalks (I used these because I had them on hand, and they taste remarkably like celery! But use whatever vegetables you have).

Add the drained beans, then the chilli powder, cumin and bay leaf. Toss everything around to get coated in the spices, adding a splash of water if things start sticking. Saute for a few minutes until slightly softened.

Add the lentils, tomatoes, chipotle sauce and tomato paste, stirring to combine everything well. Then add enough “beef” stock to cover the mixture. As lentils absorb so much liquid, I err on the side of caution and sometimes add a bit more liquid than I need. I would rather add chia seeds to soak up the liquid at the end of cooking - adding insufficient liquid in the first place can lead to a rather desperate rescue operation!

Stir well, ensuring nothing is stuck to the bottom of the dish. Allow the mixture to come to the boil and then reduce the heat to low, cover with a lid and cook for 20-25 minutes, until the lentils are soft.

Add the dark chocolate, stirring well to ensure it melts and the flavour is evenly distributed. Add chia seeds at this stage too. You may not need very many, only a tablespoon or so, depending on how much liquid is left. If there is quite a bit, you’ll need to add a few more tablespoons. It’s great fun to watch, these tiny seeds soaking up the stock like magic! You still want some liquid though, so take your time and add judiciously, stirring constantly.

Once the chilli is thickened to your liking, taste and add salt and pepper if you need. Turn off the heat and allow to sit while you assemble all your fixings.

Serve in bowls with rice and topped with whatever you fancy - I love the pickled chillies and jalapenos you can get in jars at the supermarket. This way, I can make the chilli mild enough for heat-averse family members but my portion can be as hot as I like it.

Any leftovers can be frozen or stored in the fridge to reheat the next day, by which time the subtle fruity notes of the dark chocolate will be even more apparent!

remembering valerie lester

‘Do with your writing what you’re doing with your life,’ Val advised sagely. ‘Be brave.’

- from The Latte Years

Val and I on one of her friends’ boats in Annapolis, June 2007.

My beloved friend, and the wonderful writer, translator and scholar, Valerie Lester passed away in June. How grateful I am that our paths crossed when she visited Hobart nearly 20 years ago. I owe her a great deal.

She was one of my greatest and most enthusiastic cheerleaders, set many wheels in motion for me and, as per the excerpt from my book above (which she loved), always encouraged me to be resilient and brave.

“I exhort you to keep writing,” she said in her last email to me.

Bloody Mary’s (I think!) in Annapolis, July 2007.

A few weeks after Val’s passing, I learned I had been accepted into my PhD program, which I’ve now begun in earnest. I would have so loved to share that news with her. My PhD project was inspired by a tiny bit of research she asked me to do for her while she was writing her book about Phiz (Dickens’ principal illustrator), so it’s been nearly 15 years in the making. I hope I will do her proud. The project so far has been thrilling and I think it's going to be a real adventure. I'm so grateful to Val for leaving the first few crumbs on the trail for me.

What a talented, generous and fascinating person she was. I have so many happy memories of her and her husband Jim when I visited them in Annapolis in 2007. Most of them involve jazz music, poetry, and gin and tonics! They were both such dear friends and I miss them both very much.

With Val and Jim, Annapolis, July 2007.

Go well, dear Val. Until we meet again.