a jelly-fish

Visible, invisible,
A fluctuating charm,
An amber-colored amethyst
Inhabits it; your arm
Approaches, and
It opens and
It closes;
You have meant
To catch it,
And it shrivels;
You abandon
Your intent—
It opens, and it
Closes and you
Reach for it—
The blue
Surrounding it
Grows cloudy, and
It floats away
From you.

— Marianne Moore (“A Jelly-Fish”)

This morning I woke up from a disorienting dream about someone I haven’t thought about for a long time. In the dream, an encounter was recreated and, unlike what happened in reality all those years ago, I left. I had to swim through a pool of jellyfish to get away. As I tried to cross the pool, and avoid the jellyfish, they multiplied. Not necessarily more dangerous, just harder to avoid. I found that if I swam slowly and carefully, and ironically didn’t fear them, I could pass through safely.

This afternoon, I drew this.

Bad memories are a bit like Marianne Moore’s jellyfish, aren’t they? Visible yet invisible.

But if they’re memories now, then you have already survived. There is nothing to fear. And even if they do show up again, you can swim through.