are you going to behave today?

I was in a cafe today, with a new friend. We ordered our drinks - a chai for me, a peppermint tea for her. The server asked us breezily, “any of the sweets? Or are you going to behave today?”

Those words rang in my ears all day.

Not because I was angry. Or confused. Or sad. Maybe I was all those things. But I think I was more curious than anything. Why is that an acceptable thing to say? My friend didn’t even seem to notice the question. We just said no and continued our conversation. But if I had ordered a cake, would that have meant I was MIS-behaving?

It got me thinking about the belief system - that is so ingrained in our (white Western privileged) culture - that assigns moral value to food and food behaviour. Where some foods are “good” and others are “bad”. Where if you make a healthy choice you’re “being good”. Where if you’re slim it is assumed you have self control and if you’re overweight, you do not.

I have spent the past decade actively trying to free myself from that system.

And in the process, I have realised how much our (white Western privileged) society rewards people for conforming to the idea that you have to be slim to be successful and happy (I was one of them!) and shames and punishes those who don’t.

I have done a lot of untangling of the diet culture these past few years, and pondered my own role in it. While I know that I never actually said the words “losing weight is the answer to all your problems”, I can see why people thought I was because I didn’t have to. For a time, my very existence was a walking advertisement for the lie we are sold. Lose weight and hey presto, you’ll get to live the life you’ve always wanted! You’ll be popular, people will like you! Everything will be great!

And yes, that was my life, for a while. But like everything, it only appeared perfect on the surface, and it came with a price.

I know this all must sound strange coming from someone who started a weight loss blog 15 years ago and who revelled in the loose jeans, in getting to goal, in being admitted to that secret world where nothing tasted as good as being slim felt (which is bullshit - a fuck load of things taste that good!). It was only once I achieved it that I realised how dangerous it was.

Staying in that world depending on me following those rules. The confidence that came with the achievement was so incredibly flimsy, still so heavily reliant on external validation. All it would take was one card to be pulled out for the whole house to come falling down, which is exactly what happened.

But I’m now living beyond the after photo. The after photo was a golden time, and in many ways I’d have been happy if life could have carried on like that forever, because the highs were so high, so unforgettably wonderful. But the lows….well, if you’ve read The Latte Years, you’ll know all about those.

Nothing lasts. Change is the only constant in this crazy life. You cannot freeze time. I’d much rather be here, now, where I feel less concerned about what I look like and more about what kind of good I’m doing in the world and what sort of legacy I will leave behind.

A life where I know that eating a piece of cake is, in every sense of the word, good.