a letter to my 22 year old self

Last week Sarah Von Bargen launched the Post-College Survival Kit and as part of the promotion she had a bunch of lovely wise ladies write letters to their 22-year old selves, sharing lessons, wisdom and encouragement. I thought I'd write one too. This is it.

Dear 22 year old me,

I'm 11 years older than you are right now - that's right, half as many years as you've currently been on the planet right now...that's scary...and wow, how much you will live through and witness and experience and lose and gain in those 11 years. I can't wait for you to get started.

To be honest, it's taken me a very long time to go easy on you, 22 year old me. For a long time I just wanted to shake you, knock some sense into you. "What were you thinking?" "Oh God, why didn't you know any better?" Well, the reason you did the things your future self paid for and tore her hair out over was because you actually didn't know any better. You did your best with what you knew.

You're currently in the most unfulfilling period of your life and I wish you knew that it didn't need to be that way.  And as powerless as you think you are, the life you're living is actually the result of choices you have made.  Poor choices, admittedly, but choices all the same.

You have nothing but good intentions, 22 year old me, and yet you can't figure out why you're so unhappy.  But you will. And once you do, your life will change forever.

I can't tell you much more, because it would ruin all the surprises, but the things I most want  to tell you are.....

It will get worse before it gets better, but it gets SO much better. Hang in there.

Make the most of being in Australia and being able to see your friends, your sisters, your parents and your nephews whenever you like because one day you'll live on the other side of the world and you'll miss them all like crazy.

Stop settling. You don't have to put up with crap jobs, crap friends or a crap relationship just because they came along. Until you have some higher standards you'll keep attracting the same kinds of things.

Stop drifting. Life doesn't just "happen", you have to make it happen.  You have to have a plan and some goals. All those people you're so envious of, they've worked hard to get where they are and what they have. Stop being so defeatist and expecting it all to be easy.

Stop letting people walk all over you and treat you badly. You're allowed to stand up for yourself. (In all fairness, it will take you until you're nearly 30 to start doing this!)

Get out of your comfort zone. Trust yourself a bit more.

Stop waiting for permission and stop waiting for someone to knock on your door and rescue you from this mess.  Only you can rescue yourself. The world won't come to you on a silver platter, but the world is waiting for you.

The most important thing you will ever do is learn to love yourself. It takes a long, long time. But it transforms everything.

I know you're very unhappy right now, but actually this time in your life is laying the foundations for everything that is to come. It will make you stronger, more capable, more determined and so, so grateful for all the good things in your life in years to come.  Everything that happens does so for a reason. Even the big mistakes. Well, especially them.

If you had any idea what you're truly capable of, or what lies ahead of you, you wouldn't be waiting another minute.

But, much as I hate to admit it, where you are right now is exactly where you need to be.  I'm not sure you would have learned what you needed to learn any other way. If anything had been different, perhaps you wouldn't be where you are now....and that's something I wouldn't change for the world.

I gave up long ago any hope that the past could have been any different. Everything will work out. 

And don't ever, ever think - not for one minute - that the mistakes you've made mean you don't deserve to be happy in the future. Your mistakes and errors in judgment will only scar you for life if you let them. Don't listen to the naysayers. People will talk, so let them. True friends only care about your happiness and won't judge you for how you got there.

The life I'm living now is the one you constantly dream of and hope for, so don't give up. You will get there. I'm proud I (and you!) made it happen and I'm grateful for it every single day.   I'm sorry for the dark times you had, but I'm so glad you started running towards the light.

Love always,

Phil xxx

What would you say to your 22 year old self?

amazing gluten free pizza dough

The amazing gluten free pizza! No words.

I used to think that eating gluten free would be a pain in the arse. But then, two years ago, I was asked to do a blogger challenge on my old web site where I would eat completely gluten free for a whole week. It changed my life.

Not only was it way easier than I thought it would be, but I felt incredible. I felt lighter, less clogged, more balanced. As I reintroduced gluten into my diet in the weeks and months that followed, it was all fine, but I was just more conscious of not eating gluten at every single meal (which is very easy to do) and giving my body the occasional break from it.

These days, I like to eat gluten-free when I can at home. Eating out, I'm not fussed (as eating out is a treat anyway) but I've noticed that my body feels better this way. I'm really lucky that it's not medically necessary for me to be gluten free and I feel grateful to be able to eat this way by choice - I've noticed lately when I eat normal pasta I get a tummy ache, so I possibly do have a sensivity, who knows....but either way these days it's all about paying attention, being conscious and giving my body what it's asking for. Which is often something gluten free.

Yesterday, we were craving a pizza and as I had some gluten-free self raising flour in the cupboard, I thought maybe it was worth giving a GF pizza crust a go. I've eaten GF pizzas and used ready-made GF bases (which can be great but are often loaded with sugar so check the label!) before, but I've never made them myself.

But after this, I think I'll be making them this way from now on!

If you have a bread maker, this is a complete doddle - it barely counts as cooking, really. The dough itself rolls out perfectly; doesn't stick to the rolling pin or the board; cooks, slices and eats like a dream. Let me know if you try it!

Gluten-free pizza dough

Based on a similar recipe on Gluten Free Student Cookbook

Makes 1 large pizza or 2 small pizzas

1 egg
1/2 teaspoon rice malt syrup
3 tablespoons olive oil (plus extra for rolling)
130ml filtered water
225g gluten-free flour (plus extra if you need it) (I recommend a GF bread flour or self-raising flour with xanthan gum added to it, I used Dove's Farm white self raising flour)
Pinch of salt (I use Pink Himalayan salt which is fantastic)
1 x 7g sachet dried yeast
If your flour doesn't have xanthan gum added, you'll also need 1 teaspoon xanthan gum.

If you have a breadmaker, add all the wet ingredients to the bread pan first, then add the dry on top. Select the "pizza" setting on the machine (or a "dough only" setting if you don't have a pizza option, it should be about 45 minutes duration) and watch it get to work. Keep an eye on it at first and add more flour if it looks too wet (I found I needed to add about another 1/4 cup flour). Add a little more water if it looks a bit dry. Then sit back and relax until the machine beeps.

If you're doing it by hand, put the dry ingredients in a large bowl first. Make a well in the centre and add the egg, oil and rice malt syrup. Gradually add the water and mix together with a spoon. It will be sticky but this is normal! Add more flour if it's too wet and not coming together.  Knead the dough on a floured surface for a few minutes until you have a nice medium-sized ball then leave it to rest in a bowl, covered with a tea towel, for 30 minutes. It won't necessarily "rise" the way normal dough does but don't be put off!

Once your dough is ready, preheat your oven to 200 C.

Line a large baking tray with baking paper. I made one large rectangular pizza rather than circular ones, it was just easier as I didn't know how fragile the dough was going to be. I'd really recommend making it this way.

Drizzle a little olive oil on the top of your dough ball, retrieve from the pan or bowl and roll out on a well oiled or floured board to your required thickness. I ended up doing this on the tray itself and then used my hands to push it into the corners to fit the baking tray and it worked a treat.

Some recipes say you should par-bake a homemade GF pizza crust first but I found this was unnecessary.

Spread your base with your desired toppings (we had tomatoes, asparagus, courgette, mozzarella and fresh basil).

Place in the hot oven for 15-20 minutes. After 15 minutes I found the cheese had browned but the crust still looked a tiny bit pale, so I turned the oven fan off, turned the heat down slightly and put it back in for about 7 minutes. Then it was perfetto.

Let it sit a few minutes to cool then slice with a sharp knife or pizza cutter. Then sit back and watch the compliments roll in!